Love

So a once close friend of mine is going through a trial in her life and in her marriage that saddens me so much. I have been through many struggles with Jason throughout our relationship which slowly became a marriage. We didn't marry right off the bat, even though I really wanted to when I found out I was pregnant with Tyler, Jason felt as if we should wait and not marry just because we were expecting. Thinking now about this choice of his, I completely disagree. If it were any of my kids I would definitely encourage them to marry. The importance a man and woman uniting in marriage before a child is born is what is commanded. It IS what is right. But I am glad we married eventually. Out of all honesty I can't say I "loved" Jason even when we did get married. We still had so many problems; problems even more difficult and similar to many married couples. But we knew we were expecting another baby soon and it was what needed to be done for many reasons more than one. Getting married was one of the best decisions in our lives that we made. I love that we got married, that I am Jason's wife. He is my soulmate and we are meant to be. We have been blessed with 3 amazing kids and I couldn't ask for a better father for them. Jason is the complete opposite from what I grew up knowing in a dad. My whole marriage is the complete opposite from what I saw with my own parents. In life you can take what you were taught and what you saw as an example, and you can choose how to apply all of that to your own life. This is what I personally believe and it is how I think. I love my mom and dad so much. I know they did their best for us, and I never question their love for me, Jennifer or Jamie. They made many mistakes in their lives, but I forgive them and I love them. I thank the Lord for them, my parents have raised us well. Even saying that, I always want more for my own kids. I get so overwhelmed and down on myself whenever money seems "tight" and I can't buy the kids whatever they ask for. I know it is wrong, and I shouldn't buy them everything they want; because then they will not ever be grateful for what we do provide for them. I get discouraged when I feel like I don't contribute enough to my dad and Jason (financially). It's the small, meaningless things that bother me so much. I know it's ridiculous, and that by me just staying home full-time will mean more to the kids than anything else that money can buy. I know this for a fact. Jason and my dad encourage me to stay home and to not feel pressured to work if it's truly something I don't want to do. I have support all around me as I choose to stay home with my kids, so I need to take this journey full force and just completely block out all the negative energy I get from doing so. I am truly blessed with amazing men who allow this. :)) That I will say in closing on this topic. But back to where I began. Marriage is not easy. It will have it's ups and downs, but it doesn't change ever that it is sacred. I didn't love Jason when I first met him. My love for him is something that grew in time. That grew with respect and faith. I had to trust that he was for me. I had to willingly give myself to him. That is the hardest part in marriage is giving your soul to someone else. To agree to disagree, but to do so with love. Love isn't always nice words and compliments or romantic dates and spontaneous trips together in snow-topped mountains in a cabin, snuggling close together by a fire. All of that is fairytale. Yeah, it is nice to be able to do all of that if you can. But if we did all of those things all of the time, they wouldn't have that warming appreciation from either me or Jason. Love is fighting and then quickly or slowly understanding the fight afterwards. Love isn't having a perfect relationship with everyone you marry into; it's learning to love those you married into, for your husband/wife. Love is when your always trying to go back in memory searching for that warm, butterflies in your stomach type of feeling. Love is just one emotion in our life that will dictate how we choose our future. I allow myself to love my husband Jason. The one who has been there for me in everything I have been through. The one who always is willing to change. The one who loves and plays with our kids all of the time. The one who will wash dishes after I cooked dinner. The one who will never show me he is hurt because he doesn't want me to worry. The one who loves me just as much as I love him. That is love and I hope our kids will see and feel this love, to carry it on to their own husband and wives. L.O.V.E--- Kayla xoxoxo

Follow-Up on female "issues"

So I had the laprascopy procedure done last Friday and I do have the beginning stages of endometriosis. What surprised me most is that it's just the beginning stages and I already cramp so much! I can't imagine what an "ending" stage would be or feel like! I did have adhesion's that I think he may have corrected already, but these adhesion's only make endometrisosis worse I believe. I have two main options of treatment. One being I can take birth control to control my periods and maybe cut back the intense cramping, or second being having a hysterectomy done. I really haven't decided what I should do. It's scary to consider having a hysterectomy because then all chances of ever having a baby are gone, and I am not ready to be 24 years old and on hormone therapy for the rest of my life. So it's a situation that I feel like I don't win for losing. I am going to keep praying about this and asking Heavenly Father to guide me in what decision I should make that is best for me and my family. I go to Dr.Smith tomorrow so I will pray hard tonight and seek advice from him as well. And by the way, I can't believe I worried myself so bad about being put to sleep! It wasn't bad at all! I think using the restroom was worse! I am so thankful that I was blessed by Dan the night before and all the prayers coming my way. I have such faithful friends and family!!

Thanksgiving 2011

These are the only pictures that I took during  Thanksgiving day. I haven't become great at taking alot of pictures during occasions like this. I did however make sure to get pictures of me, Jason, the kids and Jenn and Trent. Grandma Josie didn't show up until later that evening so by then I was to exhausted to give the effort. :/ We had turkey, ham, stuffing, green bean casserole, broccoli and rice casserole, pumpkin pie, pecan pie and a pumpkin cheesecake I baked that no one ate! The one complaint I have about making 3 casseroles and home made cheesecake is that no one really ate them and they ended up in the trash. Next year I will probably not bake so much. We'll do the regular canned corn and green beans. The kids were happy though and we all managed to spend time together and enjoy it. We asked the kids what they were thankful for (Brooke and Tyler mainly) and these were some of the things they said:

• Our home
• Mommy and Daddy
• "my Thomas trains" -Tyler
• My friends -Brooke

This is kind of all I can remember. I guess it's your typical 7 and 5 year old thanks, but I did make it a point that we should be most thankful for Heavenly Father and Jesus for the families they have blessed us with. Without family this holiday wouldn't have been possible for us. So before bedtime when I asked them again what were they thankful for, they did say "Jesus and Heavenly Father." I accomplished my main important teaching to the kids that day. I am so thankful for so many things. Not just the happy and material things, but for the challenges and struggles that I go through in my life. If life were so happy and perfect how would we know to be grateful? Would anything really be "happy"? I really doubt it. You have to taste the bitter before you can taste the sweet. It's so easy to just focus on things that make me made, things I cannot seem to understand or change, but in the end I have a wonderful life to be thankful for. I have parents who have taught me values and morals. Who have guided me in my marriage with Jason, my issues with his family, and have always taught me to not make mountains out of Moe hills. This is something very important and valuable that I will carry close in mind. Most of my thanks goes to God though. I am thankful for the missionaries who came to my doorstep and taught me the true teachings of Jesus. Who prayed for me to bear my own testimony of this gospel and for the members of the church who have supported me and  my family through becoming a member myself. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is such a wonderful part of my life. I feel so pure and at peace with my understanding of the restored church of Jesus Christ, for our prophets and presidency who guide and direct us. Brooke is going to be 8 years old on January 8 and she is looking forward to being baptized. She is SO excited and ready to take on this covenant with the Lord. Some people ask me at church if I am going to let her (I guess because they may think me being a convert, that I may not agree with such a commitment for a child at 8 years old) and of course if this is what Brooke decides to do (which she obviously has) I am going to fully encourage and support her. I know that she may not fully understand the commandments and everything that I may know and understand, but she does know that being baptized means Choosing The Right (CTR). I plan to really focus this month (December) on talking with Brooke and emphasizing that promise she makes with Heavenly Father when she is baptized. Thanksgiving is such a wonderful holiday because it helps me really give thanks to what's important. It re tunes me with the spirit and my callings as a mom, wife, christian, friend, cousin..etc. It still is very challenging, but hopefully I can pray more about these worldly challenges. Focus more on loving and forgiving. Putting more effort into healing broken relationships, building my family.

 We had a really thankful Thanksgiving and I hope to carry on this joy consistently. Although at times I am sure it won't seem as genuine, but if I can just keep carrying it on for others to see then that is what's most important to me. To live and lead to enable others to feel the fruit of this tree I have taken into my spirit. I can't wait for the day to have an eternal marriage and family with Jason and the kids, and for them to carry that desire to. I have such a faith to be happy and grateful for. :) -Kayla xoxoxo

I don't have to be strong enough..

Well the title to this post is definitely what I'm beginnning to comprehend. I've been struggling this whole year with my menstrual cycles, etc....and last night was the final straw! I began cramping last night about around 9 and it carried on until after 8:30 this morning!! I then called Brandie (who works for Dr.Smith, an amazing GYN doctor) and she was able to work me in quick! They did a pelvic exam and ran tests for infections, which all came back negative. I have been having alot of discomfort during sex, and the common on-going cramping. So he is the diagnosis: I am scheduled to have a laprascopic procedure done this Friday morning. The whole purpose of doing this is to see the "outside" of my uterus, to check for any bleeding within the muscles or something of that sort. This is option #2 that I am going with. Option #1 was to put me on birth control and to minimize the bleeding, hoping to get rid of the cramping. This is all trial and error, which is why I am choosing to not go with option one. I just want to do what's best, and I feel like by getting on birth control is basically putting a band-aid over the problem. This helps me to know that by doing the laprascopic procedure Dr.Smith will be able to further check out what is going on inside...to make a better decision in what I need to do. I am very sad about it. I am relieved that we are now doing more to trying to figure out why I am in so much discomfort, but I am very nervous about being put to sleep. I worry for my children, through all that is going on with me...I worry most for Brooke, Tyler and Taylor. I am their mother and I feel like I am the rock of this whole family. Of course being me, I always think the worst. It's a terrible way to be, but this just how I am. I am sad about how if worst case scenario happens, and we do remove my uterus, I will never be pregnant again. It's very selfish considering I already have Brooke, Tyler and Taylor, but I just sometimes wondered what another little girl or boy would look like. I am scared about not being healthy, not waking up after the procedure, and most of all not being here for the kids. It's soo drastic I know, but these are my worries. My faith is and will bring me through this though. I trust my Father in Heaven in his plan for me and my family. He has and will always provide for me and the kids. I will allow today to be the day I worry and cry and mourn over everything, but from tomorrow on out I am just going to live on faith and hope. I can't keep allowing my acne, my pain, my worries to take away the happiness in my life. I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog after tonight. Our laptop won't be ready until next week and Kendra needs this one back. But here are some of my current thoughts

• I love my family always and forever, and I hope they always know that.
• My faith and belief in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is real. Is true, and it is so very important to me that the kids be allowed to know and to be taught this truth. For them to gain a testimony of their own and to reach out and minister to those around us.
• To wake up from surgery ok, and if not for Jason to please remain here with Pepaw and to raise our beautiful children as if I were here. :)) I would do the same.
• To allow myself to just be happy, to be optimistic.

I know this is pretty deep, but this is what I would want for everyone to know. I hope to get a chance to blog more about this! Until then...love to all.

What a last 2 weeks!

Oh today is definitely one of them challenging days. I played in a flag football tournament all day yesterday and my body is paying for it today. I literally am struggling to reach down because my arm muscles are so sore. Jason insists on encouraging me to stretch so I'm slowly doing so. It was so windy and dusty yesterday that my face is still very dry and itchy, and I think I may have a rash on my lower face! :( It doesn't help my low self-esteem due to my acne as it is. I came home after 5 o'clock yesterday with my 5 little kids (I was babysitting Brae and Kyra) and cooked dinner. Jason was sick with nauseua and vomitting and Tyler was crying about his tummy aching. I was for sure on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had to much going on at home last night that I didn't even know where to begin or end. Luckily I managed to clean the kitchen and put some towels to wash. I can't believe I even made it out of the shower because I was so exhausted. My night was for sure rocky, kids whining here and there, Jason being sick and attitudes thrown by Brooke to me. This morning I woke up and just  layed there in bed waiting for one of the kids to come crying to me or throwing up on the floor (which for some reason they seem to always ignore the bucket that I set on the floor beside their beds). Tyler is still running a fairly high temperature, pushing 100.0 but not quite there and Jason has thrown up just once this morning. Brooke has not lightened up on her attitude and is just whining and crying about everything ranging from her barbies head coming off to her head hurting. As for me, I am just trying to calmly digest it all. Praying to myself every chance I get. I know there is a stomach bug going around because Averyn had it for about 36hrs and Kyra began throwing up Thursday night and was better by Friday night. My mom kept Kyra Friday night and asked me to watch her Saturday because she had to be at work and Kendra was working a booth at a craft show in Olton. So I do think it's highly possible for of my kids and Jason to of caught it from Kyra. Even poor Brae was telling me his stomach was hurting before Shayla came over to pick him up. I hope he doesn't get sick because of us. :( I shouldn't be surprised because last year around this time my babies all took turns with the flu and strep!! Oh it was horrible and I know I am blessed with them and their tummy bugs this time of year compared to last years. I guess the more overwhelming part of today is Jason not feeling well. I am so used to him helping me with everything and to not have his full help today is hard for me. Even more because I am soo soo very sore from yesterday! My legs and arms are aching so bad! I don't know which is worse, throwing up or not being able to move right! Today was the Sunday Primary program at church and Brooke had a talk to give about how Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. We had her talk written down and planned out. We went over her talk briefly last night and I had planned on taking her to church this morning. When we got up I told her to get in the bath, her response: "why do I have to do everything? my head is hurting I am still sleepy and all the boys are sick!!! (all while crying)". Already drained I just told her if she really is feeling crabby then no one is forcing her to give this talk. She went to her room and has been laying down since then. My explanation to this is: me and the kids are so used to a routine. We are at home taking the day slowly and calmly on a regular basis. Yesterday I had them outside in the horrible weather all day! I honestly had no choice and had comitted to this team. The kids could have been feeling sick yesterday while I was playing and weren't given a chance to tell me until we got home. I just don't think I will do any more of these type of tournaments again. It is to much for me and for the kids, not to forget I was only tackled about 5 times yesterday!!, in a "flag football" tournament. I did really enjoy the physical exercise of running plays and routes, and the girls were fun! So, this is something weighing heavy on me from the tournament we played yesterday. I had a hard time with the girls we were playing who weren't following the rules. The ones who were roughing up on us basically tackling us. One of our girls got HIT hard yesterday knocking the air out of her and the girls on the team we were playing were laughing to themselves asking us to hurry up with the game!! It made me so mad on a wordly perspective that I totally cursed out that girl in front of my team mates! :( Definitely something I regret and wish so badly I could take back. Unfortunately I can't and what's done is done. I failed to be the example to other's and allowed that girl to get the best of me. I did apologize to the girls on my team and I hope they can over look that. It really isn't who I am and I for sure know better. It is a lesson I will take with me in the future. I know and trust my faith in all that I do and I hope I won't fail my Father in Heaven or my family. I have learned alot these last 2 weeks and I know and understand what was being told to me by the spirit. I hope today will go by quick and I hope even more the kids and Jason will get better!!