I don't have to be strong enough..

Well the title to this post is definitely what I'm beginnning to comprehend. I've been struggling this whole year with my menstrual cycles, etc....and last night was the final straw! I began cramping last night about around 9 and it carried on until after 8:30 this morning!! I then called Brandie (who works for Dr.Smith, an amazing GYN doctor) and she was able to work me in quick! They did a pelvic exam and ran tests for infections, which all came back negative. I have been having alot of discomfort during sex, and the common on-going cramping. So he is the diagnosis: I am scheduled to have a laprascopic procedure done this Friday morning. The whole purpose of doing this is to see the "outside" of my uterus, to check for any bleeding within the muscles or something of that sort. This is option #2 that I am going with. Option #1 was to put me on birth control and to minimize the bleeding, hoping to get rid of the cramping. This is all trial and error, which is why I am choosing to not go with option one. I just want to do what's best, and I feel like by getting on birth control is basically putting a band-aid over the problem. This helps me to know that by doing the laprascopic procedure Dr.Smith will be able to further check out what is going on inside...to make a better decision in what I need to do. I am very sad about it. I am relieved that we are now doing more to trying to figure out why I am in so much discomfort, but I am very nervous about being put to sleep. I worry for my children, through all that is going on with me...I worry most for Brooke, Tyler and Taylor. I am their mother and I feel like I am the rock of this whole family. Of course being me, I always think the worst. It's a terrible way to be, but this just how I am. I am sad about how if worst case scenario happens, and we do remove my uterus, I will never be pregnant again. It's very selfish considering I already have Brooke, Tyler and Taylor, but I just sometimes wondered what another little girl or boy would look like. I am scared about not being healthy, not waking up after the procedure, and most of all not being here for the kids. It's soo drastic I know, but these are my worries. My faith is and will bring me through this though. I trust my Father in Heaven in his plan for me and my family. He has and will always provide for me and the kids. I will allow today to be the day I worry and cry and mourn over everything, but from tomorrow on out I am just going to live on faith and hope. I can't keep allowing my acne, my pain, my worries to take away the happiness in my life. I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog after tonight. Our laptop won't be ready until next week and Kendra needs this one back. But here are some of my current thoughts

• I love my family always and forever, and I hope they always know that.
• My faith and belief in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is real. Is true, and it is so very important to me that the kids be allowed to know and to be taught this truth. For them to gain a testimony of their own and to reach out and minister to those around us.
• To wake up from surgery ok, and if not for Jason to please remain here with Pepaw and to raise our beautiful children as if I were here. :)) I would do the same.
• To allow myself to just be happy, to be optimistic.

I know this is pretty deep, but this is what I would want for everyone to know. I hope to get a chance to blog more about this! Until then...love to all.