Love

So a once close friend of mine is going through a trial in her life and in her marriage that saddens me so much. I have been through many struggles with Jason throughout our relationship which slowly became a marriage. We didn't marry right off the bat, even though I really wanted to when I found out I was pregnant with Tyler, Jason felt as if we should wait and not marry just because we were expecting. Thinking now about this choice of his, I completely disagree. If it were any of my kids I would definitely encourage them to marry. The importance a man and woman uniting in marriage before a child is born is what is commanded. It IS what is right. But I am glad we married eventually. Out of all honesty I can't say I "loved" Jason even when we did get married. We still had so many problems; problems even more difficult and similar to many married couples. But we knew we were expecting another baby soon and it was what needed to be done for many reasons more than one. Getting married was one of the best decisions in our lives that we made. I love that we got married, that I am Jason's wife. He is my soulmate and we are meant to be. We have been blessed with 3 amazing kids and I couldn't ask for a better father for them. Jason is the complete opposite from what I grew up knowing in a dad. My whole marriage is the complete opposite from what I saw with my own parents. In life you can take what you were taught and what you saw as an example, and you can choose how to apply all of that to your own life. This is what I personally believe and it is how I think. I love my mom and dad so much. I know they did their best for us, and I never question their love for me, Jennifer or Jamie. They made many mistakes in their lives, but I forgive them and I love them. I thank the Lord for them, my parents have raised us well. Even saying that, I always want more for my own kids. I get so overwhelmed and down on myself whenever money seems "tight" and I can't buy the kids whatever they ask for. I know it is wrong, and I shouldn't buy them everything they want; because then they will not ever be grateful for what we do provide for them. I get discouraged when I feel like I don't contribute enough to my dad and Jason (financially). It's the small, meaningless things that bother me so much. I know it's ridiculous, and that by me just staying home full-time will mean more to the kids than anything else that money can buy. I know this for a fact. Jason and my dad encourage me to stay home and to not feel pressured to work if it's truly something I don't want to do. I have support all around me as I choose to stay home with my kids, so I need to take this journey full force and just completely block out all the negative energy I get from doing so. I am truly blessed with amazing men who allow this. :)) That I will say in closing on this topic. But back to where I began. Marriage is not easy. It will have it's ups and downs, but it doesn't change ever that it is sacred. I didn't love Jason when I first met him. My love for him is something that grew in time. That grew with respect and faith. I had to trust that he was for me. I had to willingly give myself to him. That is the hardest part in marriage is giving your soul to someone else. To agree to disagree, but to do so with love. Love isn't always nice words and compliments or romantic dates and spontaneous trips together in snow-topped mountains in a cabin, snuggling close together by a fire. All of that is fairytale. Yeah, it is nice to be able to do all of that if you can. But if we did all of those things all of the time, they wouldn't have that warming appreciation from either me or Jason. Love is fighting and then quickly or slowly understanding the fight afterwards. Love isn't having a perfect relationship with everyone you marry into; it's learning to love those you married into, for your husband/wife. Love is when your always trying to go back in memory searching for that warm, butterflies in your stomach type of feeling. Love is just one emotion in our life that will dictate how we choose our future. I allow myself to love my husband Jason. The one who has been there for me in everything I have been through. The one who always is willing to change. The one who loves and plays with our kids all of the time. The one who will wash dishes after I cooked dinner. The one who will never show me he is hurt because he doesn't want me to worry. The one who loves me just as much as I love him. That is love and I hope our kids will see and feel this love, to carry it on to their own husband and wives. L.O.V.E--- Kayla xoxoxo