With pain I always trust my Savior

It's been a very mentally challenging day for me, or maybe just a very challenging evening. I told my mom tonight on the phone "my heart just carries alot of hurt". Which is exactly what I feel it does. I know I wasn't raised with "perfect" parents in a "perfect" home with "perfect" siblings and family; but I do know that my parents tried their best at raising me, Jamie and Jennifer. I don't hold memories of a drunken or abusive father or a neglecting, un-loving mother. My parents were the exact opposite, my mom always loved on me when she knew I needed it and my dad never had more than one beer in front of us. My parents always provided the things we needed throughout our childhood for school and other extra curricular activities. We never went without food, water or electricity. Unfortunately my mom and dad didn't have the best marriage and I do think it weighed down on all of us towards the end of their marriage. Maybe because we were all getting older and understanding on a mature level what exactly was going on. I do commend both of them for sticking it out as long as they could hold on for us. So why does my heart carry hurt? Well because this is the one thing that I can't seem to understand : Why do people wait until their lives are bad, or until something devastating has happened to them to change their lives for the good, and giving themselves to the Lord? Why can't people change their lives while their lives are still good? While all blessings are felt worthy? This weighs heavy on my heart. I am not perfect, I am by all means far from it. I am though 24 years old and am going on 2 years of no drinking alcohol, smoking, drinking coffee or tea and obeying the Word of Wisdom. Now don't get me wrong, there are times when Satan tries his best to pull me away from such a strong, bold and sometimes challenging covenant I made with the Lord, but I always pray for strength to overcome those temptations...and you know...Heavenly Father blesses me with that strength to help prevent me from faltering. This is why my testimony of the Gospel always grows stronger with each experience, joy and struggle in this temporary life. I want to try so hard to raise my Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knowing and learning of the Son sent from Heaven, Jesus Christ, who's perfection we need to strive towards always being. I try so hard to live his example, but I know I fail most times at the mom I need to be for the kids. But I know that when I was sent here that Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knew that I, their mother, would give them the beautiful chance of knowing and being taught the true gospel of Jesus Christ. The Spirit calms my hurt and failure with this prompting. I know my calling and it is by far the most important calling I could ever have, but it can be achieved. It's all up to me and I made those covenants 2 years ago, and I am still so strongly striving to fulfill them for my Father and Savior in Heaven. I guess what gets me is why my own family has not yet humbled their hearts to this truth. To this fruitful fruit. I hurt so badly of the pain in my brother and sisters lives. The worldly pain at that, pain they can steer far away from, but yet choose to come close to all of the time. How they are not living their lives for God and his son Jesus Christ. :( Going to church (at this point any church in general is all that matters to me) and teaching their own families of our personal callings for Jesus Christ. I know all of this pain is out of my control, but I continue carrying it because I love all of my family with all my heart, each and every person  I have met and bonded with, I love so deeply that their unhappiness becomes my own. I pray for their peace and I pray for them to reach out to the happy Faith that the teachings of the Prophets, Elders, brothers and sisters of the church bring to each person they meet. I really do understand the trials and tribulations that we are given and I do believe strongly that through faith, endurance and obeying our Covenants with the Lord that will at the end have an eternal happiness that will put a veil in front of us shielding each saved soul of the temporary pain and struggles we over came on this earth. Through this "test" of Faith we will prevail. :) I do know this. So with my hurt for those I love, it is because of that, that I love you. Here's my prayer list for sure for tonight's well-thought out prayers

1. For Jennifer's health. To guide the doctors treating her, and to help me to be more passionate and patient with her. I love her dearly and I want her to know that, to feel the love of mine to hers. I want her to be healthy to feel great all of the time. I pray for those blessings upon her.

2. For Brooke, Tyler and Taylor and my lovely Jason to be blessed with peace, happiness and health to live strong, happy lives. :) For the kids to continue growing into wonderful people. For Jason and I have to the knowledge in leading them in this world. To be good people.

3. Jamie and Pia and the kids. To reach a humbleness to serve others in Christ-like ways.

4. Those who have recently or long-ago lost their loved ones. For peace among those who are still here missing them. To understand that this is not the end.

5. Endurance- For me, to minister to those I love, to lead the example, to have a better mouth and attitude. :)

Eye Doctor for Tyler

Today was mine and Tyler's eye doctor's appointment. Mine was a follow up on the specialty contacts lenses. Which turned out that the reason mine were bothering me so bad was because I was supposed to of had two sets of contacts, and switching them every 6 months! Yup, no wonder they were so uncomfortable! I really was worried that I might have to go through the whole re-fitting process, etc. I'm so relieved that I don't. I did order me some glasses for back up! They're really cute and I'm ready to try them out. I think I'll be getting more contacts too. So over all I think my appointment went pretty well. No major bad news, always what I'm anticipating. Tyler did really well through his exam. He followed instructions extremely well from the nurses, and he didn't have to redo any of the screenings. :)) He's such a BIG boy! I can't believe how independent he is getting on me. I literally just sat down and waited while they did the series of screening for his eyes. I really am loving how wonderful of a boy he is growing up to be. He is so handsome!! So what we found out about Mr.Tyler's eyes is that he is far-sighted. He has a little astigmatism in both eyes (I could be wrong, it might just be one but I can't remember which one). His eyes are a lot like mine. He uses his right eye more than his left, causing his left eye to be weak. Dr.Mathis did mention that we will eventually start using a patch on his right eye to build strength in his left eye.  We ordered his glasses and I ended up ordering a second set for him because he is in fact a boy and it's only inevitable for him to possibly break his first set. It's not a bad thing, I just don't want him going without. Unfortunately our insurance will only cover some of the cost on his first set. So we will be paying the full amount on his second set of glasses. I just can't believe how expensive these things are. I'm so grateful for the help that our family puts out for our children. :) My dad to be specific. Him allowing us to live here rent free has enabled me to stay home full-time with the kids and expenses like these glasses and Sylvan are easier to manage by. Grandma Josie is pretty awesome too! She always makes my days better. Even with just a phone call and chatting for a while. I am so blessed to have her living here in Plainview again. Well that's how our Tuesday afternoon has gone. Taylor and Jason are napping and Tyler is playing Wii sports. I will post pictures of Tyler and his new Specs as soon as they come in! Whoo hoo!

Saturday Fun with the kids

Today was a pretty good day. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning but of course who wouldn't when your dad decides to wake up at 6 am to watch the Gunman, and laugh all sorts of loud while your trying to sleep. Yup, I know it's just one of the many things I tolerate at the moment. It's really not that big of a deal anyways. :) I'm sure PePaw sacrifices alot of his nerves to for us. So Jason is working 11-7 (the graveyard shift) so he has to be on a completely different schedule than me and the kids. I did not want to have to spend my Saturday trying to keep the boys quiet and Brooke entertained at home. So we decided to make today a little date on the town. Me and the kids ate lunch at Subway and then walked on over to the movies to buy our Beauty and the Beast 3D tickets. In between after eating lunch and waiting for our movie to come on, I came home to try and catch up on some laundry. Then at 2:30 we were off to the movies. It's so nice watching an old time Disney movie that I grew up on. Brooke and Tyler seemed to love it, although Tyler didn't really get interested into the movie until all the action came on about attacking the Beast (GO Figure! haha). What I learned today is that it really is up to me or Jason to make the weekends enjoyable. I enjoyed doing these things with the kids and I really think I want to do something like this every weekend if we can. It's to expensive right now to make trips to Lubbock often, but for right now what we did today was so worth it. And I know the kids loved it too. Now we're just going to have to manage keeping them tamed before bedtime. Tyler and Taylor are SO noisy! Tyler's Pre-K teacher had told me last year that boys, brothers specifically, are like bear cubs. It's so true! They're constantly wrestling or jumping up and down everywhere until one of them starts complaining or crying. I'm sure what happens after that is no surprise. Things are looking better. I am feeling better, I am eating better and I just am making peace with myself. I need to focus on my blessings and not so much on my "want-list". Well I'm going to finish watching a movie then I have to surrender the TV to Jason. -Kayla XoXo

Searching for contentment...

So today has been kind of an emotionally challenging day. I really don't think I handle many things right. :( Alot has saddened my heart, alot has worried my heart and I'm just standing under a gray cloud. I just didn't start my day off on the right track. My friendship with Emilie has really become distant and it makes me sad. I decided that I just needed to separate myself as much as I can from someone I once loved being so close to at one time. I understand I probably was not the greatest friend to her but I know I loved her and I love her still. I know she is going through many changes and I really don't need to burden her anymore. I just needed to let her know that this is where I am at with my feelings, I explained myself as politely as I could and I've let it go. I really needed to. I can't change her and I never wanted this to happen to us. It's as if she took away from me something I valued so much. Like I said, I know I am far beyond the greatest friend...but it's because I don't have alot of close girlfriends...maybe I handled things in our friendship the way I would have handled them with Jenn or Britt and it could have pushed her away. At this point all I can do is pray for God to lead us both to where we need to be. I trust him and I pray that Emilie understand my aching heart and for me to do this same for her. Maybe time apart, real time apart, will be good for us. Secondly, I worry about my dad. He just recently got a Gout attack in his foot/toe and the "tingle" hasn't fully gone away. I just really hope it does go away completely. It began with one episode occurring to it reoccurring again!! I'm telling you, I'm a one worried person. It's so unhealthy but I just don't know how to not worry so much about those I love so much!! I love each and everyone of my family and friends and I just want them to feel good, to be in good health and protection. Typing that I realize how much that isn't up to me. I'm going to have to really counsel with some sisters from the church. They're such wise women. Especially Sister Masters, she's an angel for the reals! Well I don't want to get to carried on my aching heart. I want positive things to share, so I will follow-up on how our Savior is leading me through this trial in my life. I will lean on him.

Brooke is now an 8 year old

So my baby girl is now 8 years old. I can remember the day bringing her home to my mom's tiny apartment on Fresno street. It was freezing and raining and my mom and Roy drove me and Brooke home in his jeep. I had the hardest time breast feeding and Brooke was colic so it definitely wasn't an easy first day home. She was so tiny! Brooke has for sure without a doubt has molded me into the mom I am today. I have learned with her so many things. I for sure am not always the mom I want to be for her, but my heart is in the right place. She has really grown as a little girl into a semi-responsible 2nd grader. I still can't believe she is going to be a 3rd grader this coming August!!!! WOW! She loves so sweetly, always trying to give to others. She is always thinking about all of us, when we're sick, when we look sad or asking me why am I upset (mad). She is a genuine little girl. She has proved to Jason and I that she brilliant, she made the GT (Gifted and Talented) program at Edgemere this year. I went over the  assessment testing and the scores she made with the GT coordinator and I couldn't believe what my little 7 year knows! I am 24years old and didn't know how to answer a lot of the questions she was given in this assessment. I am so proud of her and I pray that she continues to strive in her studies. I pray even more that I can be right by her side supporting and encouraging her. Her sassy "attitude" has simmered down as well! I was struggling for a long time having to be patient with her when she would try to control Jason and I, and teaching her to not talk back to us. But I believe our Savior is working with us. Guiding us as mom and daughter and helping us to where we need to be. I surprised Brooke by making Hello Kitty cupcakes for her class Friday afternoon!! I didn't tell her I was going and I asked her teacher to keep it a secret as well. Brooke loved it! and so did her class!! I really felt so happy inside to see her so happy! We weren't able to do a cake for her yesterday because we weren't able to get our funds on time. We plan on doing that for her today though. I have to say it's been a wonderful 8 year old memory for us all. I love my little baby girl with more than she'll ever know. :))

Mommy loves you Brooke. Always and Forever. <3

50/50

Jason and I just got done watching "50/50". I have to say it was definitely a wonderful, inspiring movie. It's about a guy who is 27 years old and gets diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. It shows how he responds to the diagnosis when the doctor tells him (which I hope doctors really don't tell people news like that the way the doctor did in this movie, he was real heartless and insensitive) to how he copes with it. It had a wonderful ending, which I loved even more. I can sleep good, I never sleep good when movies like that have bad endings. Watching this movie was really good in general for me, almost therapeutic. I kept asking myself why did they name it "50/50"? Yes, he googled the form of cancer he had and it had said the survival rate was 50%...but I think that the title goes deeper than that. I took it as everyone is 50-50. There is sad and there is happy and we can choose which one to strive for. I really don't even know if there is any in between when it comes to sad and happy. Happy means alot of things, it varies from point A to point Z. To me happy consist of acceptance, contentment, fulfillment, love, hugs, smiles and kisses etc..all of these things make me happy. Now sad is not accepting situations, not being optimistic, having no hope, resenting all around you, never hugging, smiling or kissing anyone. The total opposite from what I listed in happiness. So I really enjoyed the message in the movie. Yesterday my cousin Ray passed away. I was at my mom's apartment baking Brooke's class cupcakes when Brittani called my mom's cell phone and told me Jason needed me to call him on the house phone. I honestly didn't think nothing of it, I figured maybe he couldn't find something for one of the kids. When I called him he had told me that "Ray had passed away". My stomach dropped to my ankles...I felt empty, I didn't know what to think. I then quickly called my Tia Maria and she confirmed that little Ray had passed away. I don't know if it was accidental or purposely done, but my heart aches for the Cerda family. :( I can't imagine the pain they are feeling in their hearts, how bad they're missing him. Ray and little Ray actually came and stopped by about 3 months ago before heading out to Amarillo. I really think Heavenly Father allowed me to visit with him before he sent for him. I hadn't seen him in years!!! I mean long years, but I am so grateful now to of had a good, lasting memory with him. I really hope we all focus on celebrating his life. It's been a tough 48 hrs and I pray for Ray, Cathy and Nick for Heavenly to have mercy on them and carry them through this tribulation. Through my faith I know little Ray is being taken care of and I have hope that all will be well. I will not question my Father in Heaven, but only to trust him. My dad had an episode of gout this week so he had to stay home today to go to the doctor. Thankfully they gave him quick relief through a cortisone shot. I really don't like seeing my dad that way, I wasn't to patient with him today but hopefully I can make it up to him tomorrow. Sometimes it just seems like I have to much on my plate...and things always just piling up on it. Then I get frustrated and overwhelmed and take it out on everyone. I really don't like that quality in myself  but I just need to work on it. I really don't want to hurt, offend or upset anyone. None the less stir up tension. My mouth will always be a constant struggle with me, but my intentions are right. I am not being mouthy out of spite, more out of venting to myself verbally loud. :) I'll follow up tomorrow sometime about Brooke's surprise party in her classroom and about where my mind is at. Hopefully at acceptance and peace. <3 ---Kayla