50/50

Jason and I just got done watching "50/50". I have to say it was definitely a wonderful, inspiring movie. It's about a guy who is 27 years old and gets diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. It shows how he responds to the diagnosis when the doctor tells him (which I hope doctors really don't tell people news like that the way the doctor did in this movie, he was real heartless and insensitive) to how he copes with it. It had a wonderful ending, which I loved even more. I can sleep good, I never sleep good when movies like that have bad endings. Watching this movie was really good in general for me, almost therapeutic. I kept asking myself why did they name it "50/50"? Yes, he googled the form of cancer he had and it had said the survival rate was 50%...but I think that the title goes deeper than that. I took it as everyone is 50-50. There is sad and there is happy and we can choose which one to strive for. I really don't even know if there is any in between when it comes to sad and happy. Happy means alot of things, it varies from point A to point Z. To me happy consist of acceptance, contentment, fulfillment, love, hugs, smiles and kisses etc..all of these things make me happy. Now sad is not accepting situations, not being optimistic, having no hope, resenting all around you, never hugging, smiling or kissing anyone. The total opposite from what I listed in happiness. So I really enjoyed the message in the movie. Yesterday my cousin Ray passed away. I was at my mom's apartment baking Brooke's class cupcakes when Brittani called my mom's cell phone and told me Jason needed me to call him on the house phone. I honestly didn't think nothing of it, I figured maybe he couldn't find something for one of the kids. When I called him he had told me that "Ray had passed away". My stomach dropped to my ankles...I felt empty, I didn't know what to think. I then quickly called my Tia Maria and she confirmed that little Ray had passed away. I don't know if it was accidental or purposely done, but my heart aches for the Cerda family. :( I can't imagine the pain they are feeling in their hearts, how bad they're missing him. Ray and little Ray actually came and stopped by about 3 months ago before heading out to Amarillo. I really think Heavenly Father allowed me to visit with him before he sent for him. I hadn't seen him in years!!! I mean long years, but I am so grateful now to of had a good, lasting memory with him. I really hope we all focus on celebrating his life. It's been a tough 48 hrs and I pray for Ray, Cathy and Nick for Heavenly to have mercy on them and carry them through this tribulation. Through my faith I know little Ray is being taken care of and I have hope that all will be well. I will not question my Father in Heaven, but only to trust him. My dad had an episode of gout this week so he had to stay home today to go to the doctor. Thankfully they gave him quick relief through a cortisone shot. I really don't like seeing my dad that way, I wasn't to patient with him today but hopefully I can make it up to him tomorrow. Sometimes it just seems like I have to much on my plate...and things always just piling up on it. Then I get frustrated and overwhelmed and take it out on everyone. I really don't like that quality in myself  but I just need to work on it. I really don't want to hurt, offend or upset anyone. None the less stir up tension. My mouth will always be a constant struggle with me, but my intentions are right. I am not being mouthy out of spite, more out of venting to myself verbally loud. :) I'll follow up tomorrow sometime about Brooke's surprise party in her classroom and about where my mind is at. Hopefully at acceptance and peace. <3 ---Kayla