It's been a very mentally challenging day for me, or maybe just a very challenging evening. I told my mom tonight on the phone "my heart just carries alot of hurt". Which is exactly what I feel it does. I know I wasn't raised with "perfect" parents in a "perfect" home with "perfect" siblings and family; but I do know that my parents tried their best at raising me, Jamie and Jennifer. I don't hold memories of a drunken or abusive father or a neglecting, un-loving mother. My parents were the exact opposite, my mom always loved on me when she knew I needed it and my dad never had more than one beer in front of us. My parents always provided the things we
needed throughout our childhood for school and other extra curricular activities. We never went without food, water or electricity. Unfortunately my mom and dad didn't have the best marriage and I do think it weighed down on all of us towards the end of their marriage. Maybe because we were all getting older and understanding on a mature level what exactly was going on. I do commend both of them for sticking it out as long as they could hold on
for us. So why does my heart carry hurt? Well because this is the one thing that I can't seem to understand : Why do people wait until their lives are bad, or until something devastating has happened to them to change their lives for the good, and giving themselves to the Lord? Why can't people change their lives while their lives are still good? While all blessings are felt worthy? This weighs heavy on my heart. I am not perfect, I am by all means far from it. I am though 24 years old and am going on 2 years of no drinking alcohol, smoking, drinking coffee or tea and obeying the Word of Wisdom. Now don't get me wrong, there are times when Satan tries his best to pull me away from such a strong, bold and sometimes challenging covenant I made with the Lord, but I always pray for strength to overcome those temptations...and you know...Heavenly Father blesses me with that strength to help prevent me from faltering. This is why my testimony of the Gospel always grows stronger with each experience, joy and struggle in this temporary life. I want to try so hard to raise my Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knowing and learning of the Son sent from Heaven, Jesus Christ, who's perfection we need to strive towards always being. I try so hard to live his example, but I know I fail most times at the mom I need to be for the kids. But I know that when I was sent here that Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knew that I, their mother, would give them the beautiful chance of knowing and being taught the
true gospel of Jesus Christ. The Spirit calms my hurt and failure with this prompting. I know my calling and it is by far the most important calling I could ever have, but it can be achieved. It's all up to me and I made those covenants 2 years ago, and I am still so strongly striving to fulfill them for my Father and Savior in Heaven. I guess what gets me is why my own family has not yet humbled their hearts to this truth. To this fruitful fruit. I hurt so badly of the pain in my brother and sisters lives. The worldly pain at that, pain they can steer far away from, but yet choose to come close to all of the time. How they are not living their lives for God and his son Jesus Christ. :( Going to church (at this point any church in general is all that matters to me) and teaching their own families of our personal callings for Jesus Christ. I know all of this pain is out of my control, but I continue carrying it because
I love all of my family with all my heart, each and every person I have met and bonded with, I love so deeply that their unhappiness becomes my own. I pray for their peace and I pray for them to reach out to the happy Faith that the teachings of the Prophets, Elders, brothers and sisters of the church bring to each person they meet. I really do understand the trials and tribulations that we are given and I do believe strongly that through faith, endurance and obeying our Covenants with the Lord that will at the end have an eternal happiness that will put a veil in front of us shielding each saved soul of the temporary pain and struggles we over came on this earth. Through this "test" of Faith we will prevail. :) I do know this. So with my hurt for those I love, it is because of that, that I love you. Here's my prayer list for sure for tonight's well-thought out prayers
1. For Jennifer's health. To guide the doctors treating her, and to help me to be more passionate and patient with her. I love her dearly and I want her to know that, to feel the love of mine to hers. I want her to be healthy to feel great all of the time. I pray for those blessings upon her.
2. For Brooke, Tyler and Taylor and my lovely Jason to be blessed with peace, happiness and health to live strong, happy lives. :) For the kids to continue growing into wonderful people. For Jason and I have to the knowledge in leading them in this world. To be good people.
3. Jamie and Pia and the kids. To reach a humbleness to serve others in Christ-like ways.
4. Those who have recently or long-ago lost their loved ones. For peace among those who are still here missing them. To understand that this is not the end.
5. Endurance- For me, to minister to those I love, to lead the example, to have a better mouth and attitude. :)
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