Catching Up

    I feel like I haven't blogged in forever or I don't blog enough. There is so much going on in our lives all at once. So I'll use this post to catch up on everything, but totally off the topic; I still cannot figure out how to get my blog looking the way I want it too! Bleh! So first is first, Sunday evening my Tia Maria brought my grandma Barbara over to visit us. I must say she looks amazing for 85 years old! Her birthday was February 20th and I wish we grew up closer to her and had a chance to get to know her better, but unfortunately we didn't. Actually the only grandparent I grew up really knowing and spending a lot of time with was my grandma Lita (Manuelita) my mom's mom. Like I said though, my grandma Barbara looks amazing and I know she is amazing. She has over come so many obstacles in her life that she inspires me. My dad tells me stories about her life and how she was always looking and reaching out to care and nurture people. She has over come sickness and surgeries in her life that shows her strength. I know my dad loves his mom more than words can probably express, but I think my dad has a hard time allowing himself to express his emotions. I wish he would try harder to do that for his mom, sister and family but it is his own choice to do so. I just pray that no one will ever doubt his love for them, especially Maria. We are not loving if we doubt others feelings. I'm really glad that Maria brought her to see us, it shows a lot of great character about her.
    Secondly: So I have decided that it is in the best interest of Brooke to permanently terminate Brian's parental rights and to proceed in Jason's adoption for her. I have prayed hard about this and it has taken me over 8 years to come to this decision. I know though that Brian will only disappoint Brooke if I allow him to keep coming in and out of her life and never once explaining to her what he is and what he does. It's will only confuse her, and she has already told me herself that she doesn't want to go with Brian and she wants to stay with us. It's exhausting ever thinking he would ask or expect to take her during spring break, summer-time or any other holiday. During this last phase/stage I have given him the benefit of the doubt but he is apparently going back to his old ways and old girlfriends who only cause friction in our co-parenting (whatever existence our co-parenting is that is). So I stopped talking to him completely and I have an appointment Tuesday with an attorney. People move on and I know Heavenly Father blessed me with Jason for a reason, he is our daddy and our provider and we're working on our protector. :)
    Thirdly: I had an interview this morning at the Wal-Mart DC center her. The position is for order-processing/order-filler. It is something I think I may be capable of doing, but I am nervous about the schedule. It would be a definite blessing if I do get offered a position that would be Tuesday-Friday morning shift. If however I do get offered a second shift position or weekend position that I may just try it out. I worry about the kids though and the life-style change they will have to adjust to. I'm not going to stress it to much though because I am not obligated to take the job and I will not do anything to jeopardize their feelings. :) So this isn't the worst situation that could over take my mind, that is for sure.

    Nothing really has changed in my life. Thank goodness. Jason and I hit a little itch in our marriage a few weeks ago, but it's getting better. We're in this marriage to win it and it is going to take a lot of work and practice from one another. Luckily with our love and commitment I know we'll get through this. We have so much on us, me looking for work, Jason wanting to provide more and not really having the opportunity. What helps me get through these challenges is focus. I know that we are doing what we need to do. We're keeping our marriage and our family in tact and that is what Heavenly Father is wanting us to do. I am at peace where we are at and it's an over all circle of help and endurance. My dad helps us, we help him, I stay home with the kids and they have security in life and eventually Jason and I will stand on our own. It's a sacrifice that I am willing to make for Brooke, Tyler and Taylor because they deserve the BEST!!! - Kayla :)

    

Best Decision Ever

Brooke was baptized this past Saturday (February 25, 2012). I know that this is in fact the best decision she will ever make in her life. My Faith and trust in her is beyond what any mother could have in her child. I know that she will face many challenges, trials and tribulations in her life, but I pray that she will always turn to our Father in Heaven to guide her through them. To seek towards the perfection of Jesus Christ. To love and serve to others in need without expecting anything in return. Brooke is so amazing. She keeps our family focused, she keeps me focused of all. I know I am not the mother she probably deserves, but I do try so hard. I do pray for her every night, to be a shining example, to be nice to friends at school, to remain strong with the standards of the Gospel. I know her choosing to be Baptized will strengthen her Spirit. I trust that God is working with our family and I hope I don't fail them. I love you Brooke, and Mommy is so proud of this Loving Decision you made. You brought our family together and I know you'll always work at keeping us together, my Angel.

I know this picture will mean the world to Brooke when she is older. I know it will for me.

This is Us. Our Family.

Sweet Brooke and Sweet Tyler

I wanted to upload some pictures of Tia Jennifer and Uncle Trenton with us as well, but my files aren't working right. I'll do it in another blog. :)

Let the conversation hearts pour!!

I have been the not so best blogger here lately. For some reason I feel so busy, or busier than I'm used to. I told Jason the other day that I don't know if it's having a third child or what, but I am tired every night when it's time for bed. I remember when we lived in the Plainview apartments and in Houston I was a night owl and always full of energy and spunk. Now a days I barely stay awake for Jason to come home from the 2nd shift at work so him and I can visit about our afternoons/evenings. So yup, I am a tired mommy. :) Valentines was 2 days ago and it was pretty interesting. Jason was actually off that day (something that RARELY happens because his work schedule usually conflicts) and I was all set and ready to make this a "date-worth" Valentines day for the both of us. HA! Little did I know that I am not in control. I should of figured that being Valentines Day and being that most everyone has already gotten their income tax return in Plainview, that every nice (limited amount) of restaurants would be packed by 6 o'clock pm!! I really wanted to eat dinner at Tokyo's but unfortunately their waiting period was 45 minutes to an hour. We had planned on going to the movies after dinner to watch "The Vow." So 45 minutes to an hour wasn't going to work for us. So we ended up eating at The Cotton Patch. I was so excited we finished dinner at 7pm because the movie started at 7:20pm. We get to the movies and in line to only be told they're sold out!!! Oh I could of just thrown a fit for reals!! I was soooo bummed out that my date with Jason didn't go as planned. :'( Mostly because it's not often that we are able to celebrate occasions like this. We did end up going to the Brew together, it was Jason's first time, and we had nice conversation and snacks. I was happy, and at the end of the night I knew it turned out just perfect. Earlier that day the kids had their Valentines parties for the classes. Man is that not some work!! I really was impressed with Tyler's classroom party because the momma's went all out! They had the cafeteria tables decorated with cute Valentines stuff and plate arrangements for each kid with their name on it! I loved it and the snacks were pretty rewarding themselves. I took 24 chocolate covered strawberries and I wish I would've snatched one up but I didn't have a chance to. Taylor was being pretty ornery and trying to take Tyler's candy, cupcake and food. So Jason and I were pretty flustered with little Bruiser. Tyler seemed to of enjoyed it though and that's all I need to be content and happy. Brooke's classroom had banana splits and they played some cool, fun games. She decorated a milk jug for her Valentines "bag" and I thought it was stinkin cute! Over all I think we had a pretty successful day participating in Brooke and Tyler's classroom parties. That is all that matters to me, is that Jason and I are just there for them. Supporting them. Gosh I wish we could be perfect parents, but I know we never will be. All we can do is strive to live towards the perfect example Christ gave us. It all boils down to living for our Savior and seeking the blessings that come with.  I love my Jason, my Brooke, my Tyler and my Taylor and I don't need Valentines day to be the only day I show them. :)

Tyler with the masterpiece we worked on together :)

The table setting that the mom's made for the kids. I really appreciated their desire to make the party this lovely.

Taylor eating the fruit kabob I had to give him to keep from eating Tyler's.

Brooke's little desk with some treats that she was given. :)

Brooke's Jug-Bug for Valentines. LOVE IT.

My sweet lady <3 Mommy loves you always and forever. Today and Tomorrow.

Brooke playing the stacking game with conversation hearts. She did excellent!!

Mr.Tyler decorating his sugar cookie that the moms made.

With pain I always trust my Savior

It's been a very mentally challenging day for me, or maybe just a very challenging evening. I told my mom tonight on the phone "my heart just carries alot of hurt". Which is exactly what I feel it does. I know I wasn't raised with "perfect" parents in a "perfect" home with "perfect" siblings and family; but I do know that my parents tried their best at raising me, Jamie and Jennifer. I don't hold memories of a drunken or abusive father or a neglecting, un-loving mother. My parents were the exact opposite, my mom always loved on me when she knew I needed it and my dad never had more than one beer in front of us. My parents always provided the things we needed throughout our childhood for school and other extra curricular activities. We never went without food, water or electricity. Unfortunately my mom and dad didn't have the best marriage and I do think it weighed down on all of us towards the end of their marriage. Maybe because we were all getting older and understanding on a mature level what exactly was going on. I do commend both of them for sticking it out as long as they could hold on for us. So why does my heart carry hurt? Well because this is the one thing that I can't seem to understand : Why do people wait until their lives are bad, or until something devastating has happened to them to change their lives for the good, and giving themselves to the Lord? Why can't people change their lives while their lives are still good? While all blessings are felt worthy? This weighs heavy on my heart. I am not perfect, I am by all means far from it. I am though 24 years old and am going on 2 years of no drinking alcohol, smoking, drinking coffee or tea and obeying the Word of Wisdom. Now don't get me wrong, there are times when Satan tries his best to pull me away from such a strong, bold and sometimes challenging covenant I made with the Lord, but I always pray for strength to overcome those temptations...and you know...Heavenly Father blesses me with that strength to help prevent me from faltering. This is why my testimony of the Gospel always grows stronger with each experience, joy and struggle in this temporary life. I want to try so hard to raise my Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knowing and learning of the Son sent from Heaven, Jesus Christ, who's perfection we need to strive towards always being. I try so hard to live his example, but I know I fail most times at the mom I need to be for the kids. But I know that when I was sent here that Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knew that I, their mother, would give them the beautiful chance of knowing and being taught the true gospel of Jesus Christ. The Spirit calms my hurt and failure with this prompting. I know my calling and it is by far the most important calling I could ever have, but it can be achieved. It's all up to me and I made those covenants 2 years ago, and I am still so strongly striving to fulfill them for my Father and Savior in Heaven. I guess what gets me is why my own family has not yet humbled their hearts to this truth. To this fruitful fruit. I hurt so badly of the pain in my brother and sisters lives. The worldly pain at that, pain they can steer far away from, but yet choose to come close to all of the time. How they are not living their lives for God and his son Jesus Christ. :( Going to church (at this point any church in general is all that matters to me) and teaching their own families of our personal callings for Jesus Christ. I know all of this pain is out of my control, but I continue carrying it because I love all of my family with all my heart, each and every person  I have met and bonded with, I love so deeply that their unhappiness becomes my own. I pray for their peace and I pray for them to reach out to the happy Faith that the teachings of the Prophets, Elders, brothers and sisters of the church bring to each person they meet. I really do understand the trials and tribulations that we are given and I do believe strongly that through faith, endurance and obeying our Covenants with the Lord that will at the end have an eternal happiness that will put a veil in front of us shielding each saved soul of the temporary pain and struggles we over came on this earth. Through this "test" of Faith we will prevail. :) I do know this. So with my hurt for those I love, it is because of that, that I love you. Here's my prayer list for sure for tonight's well-thought out prayers

1. For Jennifer's health. To guide the doctors treating her, and to help me to be more passionate and patient with her. I love her dearly and I want her to know that, to feel the love of mine to hers. I want her to be healthy to feel great all of the time. I pray for those blessings upon her.

2. For Brooke, Tyler and Taylor and my lovely Jason to be blessed with peace, happiness and health to live strong, happy lives. :) For the kids to continue growing into wonderful people. For Jason and I have to the knowledge in leading them in this world. To be good people.

3. Jamie and Pia and the kids. To reach a humbleness to serve others in Christ-like ways.

4. Those who have recently or long-ago lost their loved ones. For peace among those who are still here missing them. To understand that this is not the end.

5. Endurance- For me, to minister to those I love, to lead the example, to have a better mouth and attitude. :)

Eye Doctor for Tyler

Today was mine and Tyler's eye doctor's appointment. Mine was a follow up on the specialty contacts lenses. Which turned out that the reason mine were bothering me so bad was because I was supposed to of had two sets of contacts, and switching them every 6 months! Yup, no wonder they were so uncomfortable! I really was worried that I might have to go through the whole re-fitting process, etc. I'm so relieved that I don't. I did order me some glasses for back up! They're really cute and I'm ready to try them out. I think I'll be getting more contacts too. So over all I think my appointment went pretty well. No major bad news, always what I'm anticipating. Tyler did really well through his exam. He followed instructions extremely well from the nurses, and he didn't have to redo any of the screenings. :)) He's such a BIG boy! I can't believe how independent he is getting on me. I literally just sat down and waited while they did the series of screening for his eyes. I really am loving how wonderful of a boy he is growing up to be. He is so handsome!! So what we found out about Mr.Tyler's eyes is that he is far-sighted. He has a little astigmatism in both eyes (I could be wrong, it might just be one but I can't remember which one). His eyes are a lot like mine. He uses his right eye more than his left, causing his left eye to be weak. Dr.Mathis did mention that we will eventually start using a patch on his right eye to build strength in his left eye.  We ordered his glasses and I ended up ordering a second set for him because he is in fact a boy and it's only inevitable for him to possibly break his first set. It's not a bad thing, I just don't want him going without. Unfortunately our insurance will only cover some of the cost on his first set. So we will be paying the full amount on his second set of glasses. I just can't believe how expensive these things are. I'm so grateful for the help that our family puts out for our children. :) My dad to be specific. Him allowing us to live here rent free has enabled me to stay home full-time with the kids and expenses like these glasses and Sylvan are easier to manage by. Grandma Josie is pretty awesome too! She always makes my days better. Even with just a phone call and chatting for a while. I am so blessed to have her living here in Plainview again. Well that's how our Tuesday afternoon has gone. Taylor and Jason are napping and Tyler is playing Wii sports. I will post pictures of Tyler and his new Specs as soon as they come in! Whoo hoo!

Saturday Fun with the kids

Today was a pretty good day. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning but of course who wouldn't when your dad decides to wake up at 6 am to watch the Gunman, and laugh all sorts of loud while your trying to sleep. Yup, I know it's just one of the many things I tolerate at the moment. It's really not that big of a deal anyways. :) I'm sure PePaw sacrifices alot of his nerves to for us. So Jason is working 11-7 (the graveyard shift) so he has to be on a completely different schedule than me and the kids. I did not want to have to spend my Saturday trying to keep the boys quiet and Brooke entertained at home. So we decided to make today a little date on the town. Me and the kids ate lunch at Subway and then walked on over to the movies to buy our Beauty and the Beast 3D tickets. In between after eating lunch and waiting for our movie to come on, I came home to try and catch up on some laundry. Then at 2:30 we were off to the movies. It's so nice watching an old time Disney movie that I grew up on. Brooke and Tyler seemed to love it, although Tyler didn't really get interested into the movie until all the action came on about attacking the Beast (GO Figure! haha). What I learned today is that it really is up to me or Jason to make the weekends enjoyable. I enjoyed doing these things with the kids and I really think I want to do something like this every weekend if we can. It's to expensive right now to make trips to Lubbock often, but for right now what we did today was so worth it. And I know the kids loved it too. Now we're just going to have to manage keeping them tamed before bedtime. Tyler and Taylor are SO noisy! Tyler's Pre-K teacher had told me last year that boys, brothers specifically, are like bear cubs. It's so true! They're constantly wrestling or jumping up and down everywhere until one of them starts complaining or crying. I'm sure what happens after that is no surprise. Things are looking better. I am feeling better, I am eating better and I just am making peace with myself. I need to focus on my blessings and not so much on my "want-list". Well I'm going to finish watching a movie then I have to surrender the TV to Jason. -Kayla XoXo

Searching for contentment...

So today has been kind of an emotionally challenging day. I really don't think I handle many things right. :( Alot has saddened my heart, alot has worried my heart and I'm just standing under a gray cloud. I just didn't start my day off on the right track. My friendship with Emilie has really become distant and it makes me sad. I decided that I just needed to separate myself as much as I can from someone I once loved being so close to at one time. I understand I probably was not the greatest friend to her but I know I loved her and I love her still. I know she is going through many changes and I really don't need to burden her anymore. I just needed to let her know that this is where I am at with my feelings, I explained myself as politely as I could and I've let it go. I really needed to. I can't change her and I never wanted this to happen to us. It's as if she took away from me something I valued so much. Like I said, I know I am far beyond the greatest friend...but it's because I don't have alot of close girlfriends...maybe I handled things in our friendship the way I would have handled them with Jenn or Britt and it could have pushed her away. At this point all I can do is pray for God to lead us both to where we need to be. I trust him and I pray that Emilie understand my aching heart and for me to do this same for her. Maybe time apart, real time apart, will be good for us. Secondly, I worry about my dad. He just recently got a Gout attack in his foot/toe and the "tingle" hasn't fully gone away. I just really hope it does go away completely. It began with one episode occurring to it reoccurring again!! I'm telling you, I'm a one worried person. It's so unhealthy but I just don't know how to not worry so much about those I love so much!! I love each and everyone of my family and friends and I just want them to feel good, to be in good health and protection. Typing that I realize how much that isn't up to me. I'm going to have to really counsel with some sisters from the church. They're such wise women. Especially Sister Masters, she's an angel for the reals! Well I don't want to get to carried on my aching heart. I want positive things to share, so I will follow-up on how our Savior is leading me through this trial in my life. I will lean on him.