Blogging of a Working Mom

So it's been to long since I last posted but it seems even longer since I started working. I guess starting off by talking about work would be legit in this post. To begin with I will say that I do love my job! It was so hard in the beginning adjusting to waking up early and coming home later in the afternoon having no energy to do anything. I cried several times to Jason just telling him how hard it was to transition to being a 5 year stay at home mom to a full-time working mom! I'm so thankful for his support in all of this. I've had my ups and downs with work but the whole "mature" senses have kicked it most of the time when necessary. I work with cows so that is definitely one of the pits of my job...coming home and HAVING to shower as soon as I walk in the door. But I do love the process in which we dominate the Quality Control Process of Cargill and I'm glad to be apart of this team. I guess I should be saying grateful instead of glad..because grateful is what I am.The kids have adjusted well by now. I know Taylor had a hard time in the beginning starting daycare...but once again I am blessed with wonderful Angie who loves him softly in her care. I trust her with him and now Taylor trusts himself with her. :)) It makes me happy to see and know that my kids now understand how important is it to wake up every morning and be responsible and going to work. There have been times when Brooke will ask me to stay home and not go to work, and as much as I would love to do that, I do explain to her that as an adult I have to take care of my job. And if I don't show up to work as I am expected to I will be letting my co-workers down and I wouldn't be a very reliable employee to my boss. So this is definitely a great opportunity to some what show the kids a good work ethic. We've had mild set backs in our routines but we've managed as a family to get through them. Whether it's someone being sick and needing mommy or Mr.Tyler graduating Kindergarten and me jetting out of work to make it to his assembly...we have definitely made it work. It always seems challenging but we've overcome the odds and I do believe I am an asset to the lab at the same time most importantly the same mommy I used to be. Which was my goal in the beginning. I think one of my biggest misconceptions about working was thinking I was going to be making and having all this money...well let me just say when it rains it pours. Alot of financial responsibilities have kicked in. Like our truck needing some work (the air compressor went out) and credit card payments. BOO! I'm only glad I am now able to help lift those burdens off of Jason's shoulders and we can still manage to pay those things. He would go insane if he was having to make all ends meet by himself alone on one income. Now there is another side of working that I think I somewhat expected...and it's how my environment influences myself. One of my most shameful confessions is my cursing. I have failed and have let lose to much at times and having a sinful mouth. I'm working on it everyday and I've counseled with our Bishop and you know, it's just part of living in the flesh. We're so imperfect and this whole cursing thing has opened my eyes to seeing how even the littlest habits turn into the most shameful examples. So luckily the girls I work with are wanting to change it up to and  are willing to work with me on not cursing so much. We're planning a trip to San Antonio this summer for the kids and taking them to Sea World since they ALL love sharks, whales and everything ocean! I'm really hoping to be at Sea World on Tyler's birthday too. I think it'll all work out. Everything is going great in our lives. There are a lot of places that need improvement but we've gotten there before and I know we'll get there again. What I mean when I say that is that we've hit bumps in our road before but we came out steady. So although working and being a parent, sister, daughter and friend can be overwhelming at times, I know I'll become steady on this journey. I will keep the Spirit close to my heart, I will give my fears and concerns to my Father in Heaven and I will keep in mind always my purpose in this life. I will fail many times, but I know my Lord knows my heart and I trust him. This is his life and I will always turn to him. Well in closing, since it's pretty late and I need to sleep, I will say this "Life doesn't get better, it just gets different." One of my loving Sisters at Church shared this quote in RS one Sunday and it really stuck with me. I even catch myself saying it a lot out loud. We must live striving to always forgive (even when it seems impossible, because it's not impossible) always to love and always to be patient. In Jesus's example. - Kayla.

Working Mom

Well it's official as of tomorrow (when I go and get my physical and drug test done at Cargill) that I will be one more step closer to working. My past supervisor Andy called me last Friday asking me if I would be interested in a part-time position in the lab. I quickly accepted and am set for tomorrow to finish the process and get set-up for orientation. I have mixed emotions because I will be putting Taylor in daycare part-time also. He'll be going with Angie and she is really awesome and unique. ;) I know she'll take care of him well and I know she will teach him well too. I was thinking of all the reasons I could come up with about why going to daycare will be good for Taylor and here they are:

1. He will get to play with other kids and develop social skills.
2. He will have another source/type of discipline from Angie. Which will maybe improve his "ways" at home, which I take all credit for. :(
3. It could possible prune him for when he will start school.

Well I guess 3 is all  I could think of, but it's a good 3 reasons! I will admit that I am not the best at disciplining him when I should. Mostly when he says inappropriate things but when to understand it better you would have to understand our family. Jason and I are very inappropriate parents sometimes, like things that would shock other people make us laugh. Like for example if we ask Tyler what he wants to eat for lunch and he says "balls" we think it's funny!!! I know, it's totally weird!! But Jason is weird and he has molded us all into his weirdness!! Yes, I will put most blame on Jason for having a weird family. Because he has pushed me into the crowd! I was like "well if I can't beat em' I might as well join em'!" I don't think it's the worst trait to have in a family and my kids definitely aren't going around cursing other people out! That would for sure be unacceptable! So this is why I think daycare will be benefiting for Taylor because he will be taught structure. Good thing is he won't be going full-time. He will be able to stay with Jason on days Jason is off and I am working. So this settles my anxiety alot! Unfortunately I think he will be going all week next week because mine and Jason's shift will collide!! I'll just keep praying that Heavenly Father give peace and reassurance to me and Taylor as we get into a new routine! I really pray that we get into a groove easily, especially for the kids. All they have known is mommy staying at home, so I hope they won't be shifted and that Jason and the family will step in to help them transition as well. I'm really grateful for this opportunity however as well. I loved doing what I did when I first worked in the lab and my goal the second time around is to be an asset to my supervisor rather than a burden. This will be good for us and the depths we have to pay. I know this is his work and I'll just go as he leads me.

Spring Break has left the building

I took this picture this afternoon after church. I thought it was time for an all kids together picture and it came our wonderful!

So today is Sunday and tomorrow is the last day of Spring Break. I'm still debating what exactly I want to do with my Monday, so far it's either deep clean (which I'm not digging right now) or just kick back and be lazy. Even though being lazy just makes me feel like I wasted a complete day. Who knows, maybe I'll be genius enough to manage a little bit of both into tomorrow. Jason has been on the graveyard shift since Thursday and it's been exhausting trying to keep the kids quite. Usually they're all at school on this shift and it's just Taylor and me, so the volume of the house isn't so loud. But being all the kids are at home for break the volume management has been extreme...along with moods and attitudes. Over all I think our spring break has been a pretty blessed one. Growing up both my parents worked, so usually Jamie baby sat us during our spring breaks when we were all older. I have no idea what they did with us before then, most likely a sitter. Getting to the point we rarely took family trips during this break. Which isn't the worst thing, I think my parents accomplished raising wonderful kids. We all have our own opinion and our frame of mind, but we've done pretty good so far. So I never feel the pressure to take the kids on extravagant trips. Sometimes I think even what we do now for them they sometimes do not appreciate it. So the pressure once again is never there. The most important principle to teach them is that family is priority. So whether it's eating together at dinner time or spending our spring breaks in our wanting home, family is the most rewarding gift. Here are so random pictures I've taken through our spring break. And OH I found my camera! :)

Brooke and Audrey after church. It's important as a parent to control our children's surrounding peers. Audrey is awesome and so is the Roberts family!

Brooke and Zoe our play date at the 7th street park.

They may fight all of the time and make each other cry, but they're brother's and they will always have each others back and pride.

Bucket List

So I am up and should probably be asleep but I just have to many things going on in my mind. For one I am so thankful for Jason's aunt Melanie. I really do believe that God has put her in our life at his timing. I am inspired by her and her willingness to reach out to mine and Jason's marriage. She sent me a book to read (that I am hoping to begin reading the beginning of April, because I am trying to finish up Tim Tebow's memoir "Through My Eyes"). She also sent us a plastic picture frame with the cute saying "I love you today because..." along with a dry erase marker to fill in each day why we love one another. I think it was intended for me to let Jason know why I love him today, but he has jumped in and has written about 3 things about me that he loves and me as well about him. It's genius and it's humility generous and savvy. We hit an itch about a month ago in our marriage and I had a prompting in my heart and mind to reach out to Melanie about my feelings and concerns about mine and Jason's relationship/marriage/friendship. At that time she still gave me wonderful advice and scriptures to strive on and I love that! Her kindness even sent me this book and frame and I haven't even had it for a 24hr period and I'm enjoying it like crazy. This is us Glorifying our Father in Heaven! He loves us all and he wants us to help everyone in need. Reaching out and serving to his other children. :)
      Spring Break has already come to and end, we now have only Saturday (tomorrow), Sunday and Monday with Brooke and Tyler home, so I am hoping to make the best of it. It's been a pretty blessed spring break. We have spent LOTS of time at the parks and we took the kids to Amarillo Wednesday to the Discover Center. They loved it soo much and they each got to pick a souvenir to bring home. Tyler chose a floor puzzle that has wildlife animals on it. Brooke chose an anatomy eyeball that she is still struggling to assemble, I just hope she will keep up with the pieces because it was $20!! Way pricey for my liking.  Then my little Taylor got a dinosaur key chain that roars like...a dinosaur! All in all I had a great time and I think we'll definitely plan more family outings to Amarillo. I really like it there and I am kind of tired of Lubbock. I love memories like this. Unfortunately I lost my camera and I am thinking I left it at the park Tuesday when we spent the afternoon with Lupe, Zoe and family. I'm so bummed but I'll just have to wait for an opportunity to buy another one. I know Jason isn't to happy with me about losing it.
      Speaking of opportunities, I am going tomorrow at 8(am) to Cargill to apply for a part-time position in the lab. My supervisor Andy (he was my supervisor when I worked for him in 2005) called me this afternoon and asked me if I would be interested in this position because he is very short handed.  I really pray that I get this job. Times are weighing down on Jason and I, and I have been thinking and thinking about where I can find a good job. A job that would provide for us but yet enable me to be here for the kids as their mom as well. I trust that Heavenly Father will lead our sweet family where he wants us to be. I loved my job when I worked there from 2005 to 2007. I'm older now and I have experienced alot, so if this job happens for me I am definitely taking care of it. Then maybe I can buy me a new camera :) and pay my college debts.
      On the flipside I've been thinking about making a "Bucket List." There are alot of things I want to accomplish as a person but as a mom. I want to be good at doing lots of things and I want invest my down-time on something benefiting. So here is my right now list:

• I want to learn to sew. Why? Because I want to sew Brooke curtains, I want to make cute shirts (inspiration from a friend on FB who makes the cutest shirts for her girls) and towels, etc. Sewing is a wonderful trait to have and is definitely benefiting. 
• Making home-made tortillas. I know they're not all healthy for you but Jason loves them and let's not forget, my boys are skinny and have little problem pooping. So I really don't think tortillas will be that horrible for them, besides Brooke and I love them. :)

• I want to become a better reader. I started right now, tonight, reading Tim Tebow's memoir. So far it is already wonderful and inspiring. I'll start Melanie's book right after this one. I want to lead my kids in good example and hobbies. So reading is a must too.

• Wow, I can't believe it's so short! I'll have to think more tomorrow because right now I really need to work on resting. So Juno it is!! -Kayla 

     

Sunday Funday

 Today Jason is working the 12 hour shift, so it's been a pretty bumming day. You know with the time change and losing an hour I actually managed to be exactly on time for church today!! I couldn't believe it, I guess I do better with losing time than gaining it. I woke up feeling crabby though. My head was hurting and I either need a new bed or I need to go to the doctor because I wake up almost every morning feeling like I've been working out intensely the day before. It's not normal and I really don't like waking up like that all of the time. My headache still hasn't gone away today even after taking 2 ibuprofen...it simmered it but it didn't fully get

rid of it. Anyways, Taylor and I left church after sacrament being that he was the only one I was going to have in nursery and I felt like my blood was boiling and I felt dizzyish. I was able to squeeze in about a good hour of laying down and dozing in and out of sleep. Mr.Taylor wouldn't let mommy nap today. So Kellie invited Brooke tonight to go to their family Sunday dinner and during that time the boys and I decided to go eat at Sonic. They were going nutts that we were eating inside the car! We took a little drive afterwards and just passed time. I ordered Taylor a hamburger because he is our only one left to try and train to eat hamburgers! The boy tore it up! He loved it and I know Jason is going to be excited to hear that Taylor ate a whole cheeseburger! Brooke and Tyler eat strictly chicken nuggets or strips and it drives us crazy sometimes. Taylor is laying here beside me knocked out and when he looks so peaceful and content, protected it makes me forget how hard it seems sometimes during the day to keep him calm and not whining or crying. I guess this goes for all of the kids. I've been struggling with Brooke and trying to teach her to honor whatever decision we make. She never seems to accept any answer we give her regarding anything. I know I am wrong because I don't always speak kindly to her or softly but it drives me mad when she always thinks that she has to have someone over everyday to play with. I really just need to gather exactly what bothers me most and I think it's the fact that she isn't being respectful. Example, it is spring break week and Kendra asked me to watch Kyra. Brooke got the impression that Kyra was going to be here the whole week, but Kendra called me tonight and told me she wouldn't be coming until Thursday and Friday..Brooke has asked me so many times already when is Kyra coming. I believe if I have already told her Thursday and Friday once that she shouldn't keep on asking me. Call me strict but I just don't like being asked the same thing over and over again.  To make this situation more frustrating she then threw a fit about being bored all spring break because she isn't going to have anyone to play with!!! ;/ Challenges of motherhood. I pray it gets better, I pray to be more kind and I pray for Heavenly Father to strengthen my love and relationship will Brooke, Tyler and Taylor. I enjoyed this Sunday and I wanted to blog it. :)

Blessing's with PePaw

 I feel really blessed that we are able to live with my dad, especially for more reasons that one. My main reason (blessing) is that the kids will have a memory of their grandpa, a relationship. Something I never had with either of mine. Here are some pictures that I was able to take. The top one was when my dad was watching Full Metal Jacket and had the volume at like 60! and yet him and Taylor bother managed to knock out while watching it. The bottom one is of Taylor just clinging to his grandpa while grandma Barbara was visiting! It's fun to watch the kids with their grandparents! I love it.

Texas Public School Week 2012

So it was Texas Public School week last week (and I still don't know exactly what that means) and the kids made paper-mache cows to celebrate it, I'm assuming. They were supposed to be like the cows around Plainview that were decorated according to their sponsors. They're EVERYWHERE! So Brooke decorated her's with her daddy's work, Azteca Milling and yes she drew a corn! She then put Cargill representing Uncle Trenton and beef, a blue bonnet and some other girly things. I was really impressed on how well she painted her cow. Kyra did awesome too! I did help or I did paint their cows white for them. Brooke helped me more than Kyra because Kyra was more interested in playing basketball outside with Jason, Trenton and Jennifer. I didn't mind helping her though. I'm glad we were able to get the cows done before Monday! Brooke's teacher Mrs.Marks had Cooter's brother Mikael come and be their auctioneer. I bought a little girls cow that is in Brooke's class for a $1000! Yup, it was fun. Then on Thursday Jason and I went to eat with Tyler at his kindergarten frito pie cook off. It was fun and my favorite part was the Dr.Peppers and grapefruit. Tyler insisted that Jason and I both be there, so luckily my mom was able to watch Taylor while we went. I would've loved to take Taylor with us but he just doesn't sit still and he wants everything his brother has. So we thought it would be best to leave him so we could enjoy Tyler's meal.  I had a really great time and I love whenever I am able to be there for Brooke and Tyler when they have these type of things going on. I sure hope I get better at! Especially eating lunch with them. I really need to do that more. Anyways here are the pictures.

Brooke and I at Edgemere's 2nd grade Steer Auction. It was totally cute and exciting!

Kyra with her precious piece of Art.

The girlfriends! Brooke, Kyra, Lexi, Layla and Ivoree.

Tyler and I at his "What I love about Texas" lunch.

Jason with Tyler. I love the boys! Taylor was absent, but he was having a blast with grandma Josie!

I thought this sign was awesome cute! I think they did it in Pre-K too!

Sketchy lunch....and Tyler didn't eat. I think I would of preferred it in a bowl.

Catching Up

    I feel like I haven't blogged in forever or I don't blog enough. There is so much going on in our lives all at once. So I'll use this post to catch up on everything, but totally off the topic; I still cannot figure out how to get my blog looking the way I want it too! Bleh! So first is first, Sunday evening my Tia Maria brought my grandma Barbara over to visit us. I must say she looks amazing for 85 years old! Her birthday was February 20th and I wish we grew up closer to her and had a chance to get to know her better, but unfortunately we didn't. Actually the only grandparent I grew up really knowing and spending a lot of time with was my grandma Lita (Manuelita) my mom's mom. Like I said though, my grandma Barbara looks amazing and I know she is amazing. She has over come so many obstacles in her life that she inspires me. My dad tells me stories about her life and how she was always looking and reaching out to care and nurture people. She has over come sickness and surgeries in her life that shows her strength. I know my dad loves his mom more than words can probably express, but I think my dad has a hard time allowing himself to express his emotions. I wish he would try harder to do that for his mom, sister and family but it is his own choice to do so. I just pray that no one will ever doubt his love for them, especially Maria. We are not loving if we doubt others feelings. I'm really glad that Maria brought her to see us, it shows a lot of great character about her.
    Secondly: So I have decided that it is in the best interest of Brooke to permanently terminate Brian's parental rights and to proceed in Jason's adoption for her. I have prayed hard about this and it has taken me over 8 years to come to this decision. I know though that Brian will only disappoint Brooke if I allow him to keep coming in and out of her life and never once explaining to her what he is and what he does. It's will only confuse her, and she has already told me herself that she doesn't want to go with Brian and she wants to stay with us. It's exhausting ever thinking he would ask or expect to take her during spring break, summer-time or any other holiday. During this last phase/stage I have given him the benefit of the doubt but he is apparently going back to his old ways and old girlfriends who only cause friction in our co-parenting (whatever existence our co-parenting is that is). So I stopped talking to him completely and I have an appointment Tuesday with an attorney. People move on and I know Heavenly Father blessed me with Jason for a reason, he is our daddy and our provider and we're working on our protector. :)
    Thirdly: I had an interview this morning at the Wal-Mart DC center her. The position is for order-processing/order-filler. It is something I think I may be capable of doing, but I am nervous about the schedule. It would be a definite blessing if I do get offered a position that would be Tuesday-Friday morning shift. If however I do get offered a second shift position or weekend position that I may just try it out. I worry about the kids though and the life-style change they will have to adjust to. I'm not going to stress it to much though because I am not obligated to take the job and I will not do anything to jeopardize their feelings. :) So this isn't the worst situation that could over take my mind, that is for sure.

    Nothing really has changed in my life. Thank goodness. Jason and I hit a little itch in our marriage a few weeks ago, but it's getting better. We're in this marriage to win it and it is going to take a lot of work and practice from one another. Luckily with our love and commitment I know we'll get through this. We have so much on us, me looking for work, Jason wanting to provide more and not really having the opportunity. What helps me get through these challenges is focus. I know that we are doing what we need to do. We're keeping our marriage and our family in tact and that is what Heavenly Father is wanting us to do. I am at peace where we are at and it's an over all circle of help and endurance. My dad helps us, we help him, I stay home with the kids and they have security in life and eventually Jason and I will stand on our own. It's a sacrifice that I am willing to make for Brooke, Tyler and Taylor because they deserve the BEST!!! - Kayla :)

    

Best Decision Ever

Brooke was baptized this past Saturday (February 25, 2012). I know that this is in fact the best decision she will ever make in her life. My Faith and trust in her is beyond what any mother could have in her child. I know that she will face many challenges, trials and tribulations in her life, but I pray that she will always turn to our Father in Heaven to guide her through them. To seek towards the perfection of Jesus Christ. To love and serve to others in need without expecting anything in return. Brooke is so amazing. She keeps our family focused, she keeps me focused of all. I know I am not the mother she probably deserves, but I do try so hard. I do pray for her every night, to be a shining example, to be nice to friends at school, to remain strong with the standards of the Gospel. I know her choosing to be Baptized will strengthen her Spirit. I trust that God is working with our family and I hope I don't fail them. I love you Brooke, and Mommy is so proud of this Loving Decision you made. You brought our family together and I know you'll always work at keeping us together, my Angel.

I know this picture will mean the world to Brooke when she is older. I know it will for me.

This is Us. Our Family.

Sweet Brooke and Sweet Tyler

I wanted to upload some pictures of Tia Jennifer and Uncle Trenton with us as well, but my files aren't working right. I'll do it in another blog. :)

Let the conversation hearts pour!!

I have been the not so best blogger here lately. For some reason I feel so busy, or busier than I'm used to. I told Jason the other day that I don't know if it's having a third child or what, but I am tired every night when it's time for bed. I remember when we lived in the Plainview apartments and in Houston I was a night owl and always full of energy and spunk. Now a days I barely stay awake for Jason to come home from the 2nd shift at work so him and I can visit about our afternoons/evenings. So yup, I am a tired mommy. :) Valentines was 2 days ago and it was pretty interesting. Jason was actually off that day (something that RARELY happens because his work schedule usually conflicts) and I was all set and ready to make this a "date-worth" Valentines day for the both of us. HA! Little did I know that I am not in control. I should of figured that being Valentines Day and being that most everyone has already gotten their income tax return in Plainview, that every nice (limited amount) of restaurants would be packed by 6 o'clock pm!! I really wanted to eat dinner at Tokyo's but unfortunately their waiting period was 45 minutes to an hour. We had planned on going to the movies after dinner to watch "The Vow." So 45 minutes to an hour wasn't going to work for us. So we ended up eating at The Cotton Patch. I was so excited we finished dinner at 7pm because the movie started at 7:20pm. We get to the movies and in line to only be told they're sold out!!! Oh I could of just thrown a fit for reals!! I was soooo bummed out that my date with Jason didn't go as planned. :'( Mostly because it's not often that we are able to celebrate occasions like this. We did end up going to the Brew together, it was Jason's first time, and we had nice conversation and snacks. I was happy, and at the end of the night I knew it turned out just perfect. Earlier that day the kids had their Valentines parties for the classes. Man is that not some work!! I really was impressed with Tyler's classroom party because the momma's went all out! They had the cafeteria tables decorated with cute Valentines stuff and plate arrangements for each kid with their name on it! I loved it and the snacks were pretty rewarding themselves. I took 24 chocolate covered strawberries and I wish I would've snatched one up but I didn't have a chance to. Taylor was being pretty ornery and trying to take Tyler's candy, cupcake and food. So Jason and I were pretty flustered with little Bruiser. Tyler seemed to of enjoyed it though and that's all I need to be content and happy. Brooke's classroom had banana splits and they played some cool, fun games. She decorated a milk jug for her Valentines "bag" and I thought it was stinkin cute! Over all I think we had a pretty successful day participating in Brooke and Tyler's classroom parties. That is all that matters to me, is that Jason and I are just there for them. Supporting them. Gosh I wish we could be perfect parents, but I know we never will be. All we can do is strive to live towards the perfect example Christ gave us. It all boils down to living for our Savior and seeking the blessings that come with.  I love my Jason, my Brooke, my Tyler and my Taylor and I don't need Valentines day to be the only day I show them. :)

Tyler with the masterpiece we worked on together :)

The table setting that the mom's made for the kids. I really appreciated their desire to make the party this lovely.

Taylor eating the fruit kabob I had to give him to keep from eating Tyler's.

Brooke's little desk with some treats that she was given. :)

Brooke's Jug-Bug for Valentines. LOVE IT.

My sweet lady <3 Mommy loves you always and forever. Today and Tomorrow.

Brooke playing the stacking game with conversation hearts. She did excellent!!

Mr.Tyler decorating his sugar cookie that the moms made.

With pain I always trust my Savior

It's been a very mentally challenging day for me, or maybe just a very challenging evening. I told my mom tonight on the phone "my heart just carries alot of hurt". Which is exactly what I feel it does. I know I wasn't raised with "perfect" parents in a "perfect" home with "perfect" siblings and family; but I do know that my parents tried their best at raising me, Jamie and Jennifer. I don't hold memories of a drunken or abusive father or a neglecting, un-loving mother. My parents were the exact opposite, my mom always loved on me when she knew I needed it and my dad never had more than one beer in front of us. My parents always provided the things we needed throughout our childhood for school and other extra curricular activities. We never went without food, water or electricity. Unfortunately my mom and dad didn't have the best marriage and I do think it weighed down on all of us towards the end of their marriage. Maybe because we were all getting older and understanding on a mature level what exactly was going on. I do commend both of them for sticking it out as long as they could hold on for us. So why does my heart carry hurt? Well because this is the one thing that I can't seem to understand : Why do people wait until their lives are bad, or until something devastating has happened to them to change their lives for the good, and giving themselves to the Lord? Why can't people change their lives while their lives are still good? While all blessings are felt worthy? This weighs heavy on my heart. I am not perfect, I am by all means far from it. I am though 24 years old and am going on 2 years of no drinking alcohol, smoking, drinking coffee or tea and obeying the Word of Wisdom. Now don't get me wrong, there are times when Satan tries his best to pull me away from such a strong, bold and sometimes challenging covenant I made with the Lord, but I always pray for strength to overcome those temptations...and you know...Heavenly Father blesses me with that strength to help prevent me from faltering. This is why my testimony of the Gospel always grows stronger with each experience, joy and struggle in this temporary life. I want to try so hard to raise my Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knowing and learning of the Son sent from Heaven, Jesus Christ, who's perfection we need to strive towards always being. I try so hard to live his example, but I know I fail most times at the mom I need to be for the kids. But I know that when I was sent here that Brooke, Tyler and Taylor knew that I, their mother, would give them the beautiful chance of knowing and being taught the true gospel of Jesus Christ. The Spirit calms my hurt and failure with this prompting. I know my calling and it is by far the most important calling I could ever have, but it can be achieved. It's all up to me and I made those covenants 2 years ago, and I am still so strongly striving to fulfill them for my Father and Savior in Heaven. I guess what gets me is why my own family has not yet humbled their hearts to this truth. To this fruitful fruit. I hurt so badly of the pain in my brother and sisters lives. The worldly pain at that, pain they can steer far away from, but yet choose to come close to all of the time. How they are not living their lives for God and his son Jesus Christ. :( Going to church (at this point any church in general is all that matters to me) and teaching their own families of our personal callings for Jesus Christ. I know all of this pain is out of my control, but I continue carrying it because I love all of my family with all my heart, each and every person  I have met and bonded with, I love so deeply that their unhappiness becomes my own. I pray for their peace and I pray for them to reach out to the happy Faith that the teachings of the Prophets, Elders, brothers and sisters of the church bring to each person they meet. I really do understand the trials and tribulations that we are given and I do believe strongly that through faith, endurance and obeying our Covenants with the Lord that will at the end have an eternal happiness that will put a veil in front of us shielding each saved soul of the temporary pain and struggles we over came on this earth. Through this "test" of Faith we will prevail. :) I do know this. So with my hurt for those I love, it is because of that, that I love you. Here's my prayer list for sure for tonight's well-thought out prayers

1. For Jennifer's health. To guide the doctors treating her, and to help me to be more passionate and patient with her. I love her dearly and I want her to know that, to feel the love of mine to hers. I want her to be healthy to feel great all of the time. I pray for those blessings upon her.

2. For Brooke, Tyler and Taylor and my lovely Jason to be blessed with peace, happiness and health to live strong, happy lives. :) For the kids to continue growing into wonderful people. For Jason and I have to the knowledge in leading them in this world. To be good people.

3. Jamie and Pia and the kids. To reach a humbleness to serve others in Christ-like ways.

4. Those who have recently or long-ago lost their loved ones. For peace among those who are still here missing them. To understand that this is not the end.

5. Endurance- For me, to minister to those I love, to lead the example, to have a better mouth and attitude. :)

Eye Doctor for Tyler

Today was mine and Tyler's eye doctor's appointment. Mine was a follow up on the specialty contacts lenses. Which turned out that the reason mine were bothering me so bad was because I was supposed to of had two sets of contacts, and switching them every 6 months! Yup, no wonder they were so uncomfortable! I really was worried that I might have to go through the whole re-fitting process, etc. I'm so relieved that I don't. I did order me some glasses for back up! They're really cute and I'm ready to try them out. I think I'll be getting more contacts too. So over all I think my appointment went pretty well. No major bad news, always what I'm anticipating. Tyler did really well through his exam. He followed instructions extremely well from the nurses, and he didn't have to redo any of the screenings. :)) He's such a BIG boy! I can't believe how independent he is getting on me. I literally just sat down and waited while they did the series of screening for his eyes. I really am loving how wonderful of a boy he is growing up to be. He is so handsome!! So what we found out about Mr.Tyler's eyes is that he is far-sighted. He has a little astigmatism in both eyes (I could be wrong, it might just be one but I can't remember which one). His eyes are a lot like mine. He uses his right eye more than his left, causing his left eye to be weak. Dr.Mathis did mention that we will eventually start using a patch on his right eye to build strength in his left eye.  We ordered his glasses and I ended up ordering a second set for him because he is in fact a boy and it's only inevitable for him to possibly break his first set. It's not a bad thing, I just don't want him going without. Unfortunately our insurance will only cover some of the cost on his first set. So we will be paying the full amount on his second set of glasses. I just can't believe how expensive these things are. I'm so grateful for the help that our family puts out for our children. :) My dad to be specific. Him allowing us to live here rent free has enabled me to stay home full-time with the kids and expenses like these glasses and Sylvan are easier to manage by. Grandma Josie is pretty awesome too! She always makes my days better. Even with just a phone call and chatting for a while. I am so blessed to have her living here in Plainview again. Well that's how our Tuesday afternoon has gone. Taylor and Jason are napping and Tyler is playing Wii sports. I will post pictures of Tyler and his new Specs as soon as they come in! Whoo hoo!

Saturday Fun with the kids

Today was a pretty good day. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning but of course who wouldn't when your dad decides to wake up at 6 am to watch the Gunman, and laugh all sorts of loud while your trying to sleep. Yup, I know it's just one of the many things I tolerate at the moment. It's really not that big of a deal anyways. :) I'm sure PePaw sacrifices alot of his nerves to for us. So Jason is working 11-7 (the graveyard shift) so he has to be on a completely different schedule than me and the kids. I did not want to have to spend my Saturday trying to keep the boys quiet and Brooke entertained at home. So we decided to make today a little date on the town. Me and the kids ate lunch at Subway and then walked on over to the movies to buy our Beauty and the Beast 3D tickets. In between after eating lunch and waiting for our movie to come on, I came home to try and catch up on some laundry. Then at 2:30 we were off to the movies. It's so nice watching an old time Disney movie that I grew up on. Brooke and Tyler seemed to love it, although Tyler didn't really get interested into the movie until all the action came on about attacking the Beast (GO Figure! haha). What I learned today is that it really is up to me or Jason to make the weekends enjoyable. I enjoyed doing these things with the kids and I really think I want to do something like this every weekend if we can. It's to expensive right now to make trips to Lubbock often, but for right now what we did today was so worth it. And I know the kids loved it too. Now we're just going to have to manage keeping them tamed before bedtime. Tyler and Taylor are SO noisy! Tyler's Pre-K teacher had told me last year that boys, brothers specifically, are like bear cubs. It's so true! They're constantly wrestling or jumping up and down everywhere until one of them starts complaining or crying. I'm sure what happens after that is no surprise. Things are looking better. I am feeling better, I am eating better and I just am making peace with myself. I need to focus on my blessings and not so much on my "want-list". Well I'm going to finish watching a movie then I have to surrender the TV to Jason. -Kayla XoXo

Searching for contentment...

So today has been kind of an emotionally challenging day. I really don't think I handle many things right. :( Alot has saddened my heart, alot has worried my heart and I'm just standing under a gray cloud. I just didn't start my day off on the right track. My friendship with Emilie has really become distant and it makes me sad. I decided that I just needed to separate myself as much as I can from someone I once loved being so close to at one time. I understand I probably was not the greatest friend to her but I know I loved her and I love her still. I know she is going through many changes and I really don't need to burden her anymore. I just needed to let her know that this is where I am at with my feelings, I explained myself as politely as I could and I've let it go. I really needed to. I can't change her and I never wanted this to happen to us. It's as if she took away from me something I valued so much. Like I said, I know I am far beyond the greatest friend...but it's because I don't have alot of close girlfriends...maybe I handled things in our friendship the way I would have handled them with Jenn or Britt and it could have pushed her away. At this point all I can do is pray for God to lead us both to where we need to be. I trust him and I pray that Emilie understand my aching heart and for me to do this same for her. Maybe time apart, real time apart, will be good for us. Secondly, I worry about my dad. He just recently got a Gout attack in his foot/toe and the "tingle" hasn't fully gone away. I just really hope it does go away completely. It began with one episode occurring to it reoccurring again!! I'm telling you, I'm a one worried person. It's so unhealthy but I just don't know how to not worry so much about those I love so much!! I love each and everyone of my family and friends and I just want them to feel good, to be in good health and protection. Typing that I realize how much that isn't up to me. I'm going to have to really counsel with some sisters from the church. They're such wise women. Especially Sister Masters, she's an angel for the reals! Well I don't want to get to carried on my aching heart. I want positive things to share, so I will follow-up on how our Savior is leading me through this trial in my life. I will lean on him.

Brooke is now an 8 year old

So my baby girl is now 8 years old. I can remember the day bringing her home to my mom's tiny apartment on Fresno street. It was freezing and raining and my mom and Roy drove me and Brooke home in his jeep. I had the hardest time breast feeding and Brooke was colic so it definitely wasn't an easy first day home. She was so tiny! Brooke has for sure without a doubt has molded me into the mom I am today. I have learned with her so many things. I for sure am not always the mom I want to be for her, but my heart is in the right place. She has really grown as a little girl into a semi-responsible 2nd grader. I still can't believe she is going to be a 3rd grader this coming August!!!! WOW! She loves so sweetly, always trying to give to others. She is always thinking about all of us, when we're sick, when we look sad or asking me why am I upset (mad). She is a genuine little girl. She has proved to Jason and I that she brilliant, she made the GT (Gifted and Talented) program at Edgemere this year. I went over the  assessment testing and the scores she made with the GT coordinator and I couldn't believe what my little 7 year knows! I am 24years old and didn't know how to answer a lot of the questions she was given in this assessment. I am so proud of her and I pray that she continues to strive in her studies. I pray even more that I can be right by her side supporting and encouraging her. Her sassy "attitude" has simmered down as well! I was struggling for a long time having to be patient with her when she would try to control Jason and I, and teaching her to not talk back to us. But I believe our Savior is working with us. Guiding us as mom and daughter and helping us to where we need to be. I surprised Brooke by making Hello Kitty cupcakes for her class Friday afternoon!! I didn't tell her I was going and I asked her teacher to keep it a secret as well. Brooke loved it! and so did her class!! I really felt so happy inside to see her so happy! We weren't able to do a cake for her yesterday because we weren't able to get our funds on time. We plan on doing that for her today though. I have to say it's been a wonderful 8 year old memory for us all. I love my little baby girl with more than she'll ever know. :))

Mommy loves you Brooke. Always and Forever. <3

50/50

Jason and I just got done watching "50/50". I have to say it was definitely a wonderful, inspiring movie. It's about a guy who is 27 years old and gets diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. It shows how he responds to the diagnosis when the doctor tells him (which I hope doctors really don't tell people news like that the way the doctor did in this movie, he was real heartless and insensitive) to how he copes with it. It had a wonderful ending, which I loved even more. I can sleep good, I never sleep good when movies like that have bad endings. Watching this movie was really good in general for me, almost therapeutic. I kept asking myself why did they name it "50/50"? Yes, he googled the form of cancer he had and it had said the survival rate was 50%...but I think that the title goes deeper than that. I took it as everyone is 50-50. There is sad and there is happy and we can choose which one to strive for. I really don't even know if there is any in between when it comes to sad and happy. Happy means alot of things, it varies from point A to point Z. To me happy consist of acceptance, contentment, fulfillment, love, hugs, smiles and kisses etc..all of these things make me happy. Now sad is not accepting situations, not being optimistic, having no hope, resenting all around you, never hugging, smiling or kissing anyone. The total opposite from what I listed in happiness. So I really enjoyed the message in the movie. Yesterday my cousin Ray passed away. I was at my mom's apartment baking Brooke's class cupcakes when Brittani called my mom's cell phone and told me Jason needed me to call him on the house phone. I honestly didn't think nothing of it, I figured maybe he couldn't find something for one of the kids. When I called him he had told me that "Ray had passed away". My stomach dropped to my ankles...I felt empty, I didn't know what to think. I then quickly called my Tia Maria and she confirmed that little Ray had passed away. I don't know if it was accidental or purposely done, but my heart aches for the Cerda family. :( I can't imagine the pain they are feeling in their hearts, how bad they're missing him. Ray and little Ray actually came and stopped by about 3 months ago before heading out to Amarillo. I really think Heavenly Father allowed me to visit with him before he sent for him. I hadn't seen him in years!!! I mean long years, but I am so grateful now to of had a good, lasting memory with him. I really hope we all focus on celebrating his life. It's been a tough 48 hrs and I pray for Ray, Cathy and Nick for Heavenly to have mercy on them and carry them through this tribulation. Through my faith I know little Ray is being taken care of and I have hope that all will be well. I will not question my Father in Heaven, but only to trust him. My dad had an episode of gout this week so he had to stay home today to go to the doctor. Thankfully they gave him quick relief through a cortisone shot. I really don't like seeing my dad that way, I wasn't to patient with him today but hopefully I can make it up to him tomorrow. Sometimes it just seems like I have to much on my plate...and things always just piling up on it. Then I get frustrated and overwhelmed and take it out on everyone. I really don't like that quality in myself  but I just need to work on it. I really don't want to hurt, offend or upset anyone. None the less stir up tension. My mouth will always be a constant struggle with me, but my intentions are right. I am not being mouthy out of spite, more out of venting to myself verbally loud. :) I'll follow up tomorrow sometime about Brooke's surprise party in her classroom and about where my mind is at. Hopefully at acceptance and peace. <3 ---Kayla