Today was Brooke's A Honor Roll Assembly. I am so proud of my lady, she was one out of the 13 kids who made this award. I really hope I don't push her to hard, it's just I know what she is capable of. As her mom, I cannot settle for less. One day she will appreciate it, she definitely doesn't understand now, she seems to think we ask more of her than her brothers, but she is the older sibling which means her help is expected more. I remember when I was little I was very sentimental just like Brooke. I needed my mom's love constantly. If I saw her showing love to Jamie or Jennifer, I would get soo jealous and then write her a letter about my feelings. Brooke DOES this and it sadness me so much. :(( It really hurts me to think my baby girl misses me and says other people take time away from her. I wish she could understand that this isn't the case at all, that when I do go out to the Brew, it usually is when they all should be sleeping..ugh. It's so much to handle. I went to the Brew a few nights ago with Emilie, and we went pretty late (because of course we have to make sure our babies are tucked in and ready for bed) well when I got home Brooke had written me a very emotional letter. She said she didn't feel any love from Jason and I, that I am either cleaning or taking care of Taylor and daddy is usually watching a movie or going to work. This tore me up!! I cried because this isn't how I want her to feel. On the flip side, I strongly believe I need nights like these to help refocus me. Life has been so busy for me since the beginning of summer, and I am not complaining, I just need some time for myself, and I believe I try to work around the kids so that they aren't missing out on me. I did talk to Brooke about it and I explained to her that "mommy needs alone time, it's not because I don't love being with you guys, but you should have been sleeping, and this wouldn't have bothered you so much. I understand you may want more alone time with me, and this can happen. You however need to have a good mouth with me and your daddy and obey us when we ask you to do something. Being obedient will allow me to reward you, and I'll reward you with our own trip to the Brew, but I cannot reward you for un acceptable behavior." I really hope she understands me, and I know more meltdowns are to come quickly, I just really want her to know I love her, but I have to raise her to be a respectable woman also, and I cannot allow her to talk back to me or Jason and not do the things we ask of her. I will not give in to this battle, this is best for her. We love her dearly and I believe that loving parents are the ones who don't give their kids everything. <3 Brooke is my everything, she is me!!! I really hope I get better at showing her my love, and spending more mommy time with her.
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