Last Week round-up

To begin with, ever since I started listening to Air1 radio it has been really uplifting to me. In the mornings when I drive the kids to school, the radio is on the Air1 station and it's so revitalizing for me. It helps me focus my day with a more positive attitude, because I definitely am in desperate need of all the positive results I can get! So, I have been trying really hard to being the example for my family. I am not perfect and I am sure I have totally messed up with situations and people, but I do pray for guidance and forgiveness in the those mistakes I'm sure I've made. I just hope I have the wisdom to recognize all of it and making it right. Michael and Patty came down Tuesday to see Jason, I was so nervous and anxious about this visit (not knowing what type of vibes would be set off) that I was beginning to have a bad attitude. I prayed real hard before they made it to Plainview, because I didn't want to put Jason in such an awkward situation, especially in the condition he is in. Our Heavenly Father has been so faithful to me, Michael and Patty's visit went so good! They spent most the afternoons here with Jason, me and Taylor. We had lunch together, and Patty helped me while I dealt with our home health care provider. So all of that was a complete blessing. Patty and I ended up going to Lubbock Thursday to take Taylor to a podiatrist because his big toe nail had apparently suffered some "trauma". Taylor was complaining Wednesday about having an "ouwwey" and he kept grabbing his toe...surely it was bleeding and looked like it wanted to pop off. I thought automatically it was an ingrown toenail so I freaked out and went ahead an made him an appointment with Dr.Barinque. He ended up just clipping the nail off so the new one could grow quicker and more comfortably for Taylor. Such a relief to me that it wasn't anything severe. I seem to always prepare myself for the worst in all situations. But, Patty and I ended up spending that morning and afternoon together, which went pretty well. I still have alot of things about myself that I am going to have to work on. I am so bitter towards her mom and niece, and I know it isn't right. Praying is all I can do, and just like God humbled my heart to Patty..I have faith he will do the same for them. As a matter of fact, my anger is decreasing so much already! Things will work out in his time, not ours. I went to eat lunch with Brooke and Tyler on Friday with Michael and Patty. The kids really enjoyed it, and it was nice to observe the environment the kids are in. It is so sad to see how much things have changed since me going to Edgemere. I fear for my kids, but I know if I can just lead them to always follow Jesus that they may not be as vulnerable to our world. Brooke came home with like four letters from a silly boy who seems to "like" her. I am really going to have to pray for wisdom in leading her AWAY from boys! Especially right now. We will for sure have strict rules about this part in life. I want Brooke to succeed in life, and boys can surely wait. I want her to be a sacred vessel, pure and enriched with wisdom..same for my boys. Our week last week went great, and I am so grateful for that. Now onto this week, I am worried about Tyler so much. :( My poor baby boy is struggling with writing his name. Jason mentioned something to me this evening about him being "dyslexic" and I really pray that he isn't. If he so happens to be, then  I pray to help him with this. I just want him to have a good educational experience, because I didn't have that. It made enjoying learning very difficult for me. I struggled with focusing, and I just wish my parents would have intervened me better. So that is what I'm watching out for with my kids..is to help them in any part of learning they are struggling with. I love my babies, and I know they're all so bright and I just want to help them shine! They are so precious to me, along with everyone else in my heart. It seems since Jason's being hurt, my days are so busy! I took my grandma to the doctor today, came home and just tried to rest..but rest wasn't in the cards for me. There is just always something for me to do! But it's ok, I know eventually things will slow down for us. I just have to remain patient. We have a family tree project due this Friday for Tyler..so I hope I can brainstorm some good ideas for this. I'm working on deciding to get Brooke and Tyler Bulldog shirts for the football games...and I ton of other things that I have so badly put off. :( Sheesh..there just ins't enough time. Speaking of, my eyes are getting heavy and my mind is getting sleepy..so I better slow it down for the night! Till tomorrow - xoxo Kayla!! <3

Just a MoNdAy!!

It always seems like I have TONS to worry about! Brooke had multiple nose bleeds yesterday, and this weekend in whole, and I have no idea what's triggering them. I know it's dry outside, etc..but shoot what mom would be ok with their 7 year old's nose bleeding alot during the day. I'm going to go to walmart when I pick up the kids from school and check out some humidifiers. Jason is healing good, we're no longer going to be wrapping his whole body anymore, just his left shoulder that is still "open." I am so grateful for this. It's been exhausting. I'm guessing this week from here on out should be good for our family. :) Our Lord is so good to us. I'm ready to check back in to normal life. I miss our church, I miss our routines and I'm ready for some NORMAL. I don't know how many times I can just mention -normal-. Well this is all I can do right now, my wrists are aching and I'm just going to try and rest/nap before getting Brooke and Tyler...and especially since Taylor IS napping. <3

Current update on Jason

Well it's been 10 days since Jason was burned in a accident at work, and I can honestly say today is the first day that our lives felt "normal". I was able to leave Taylor with him for an hour so I could go with his parents to eat lunch with Brooke and Tyler. That was a BIG part for me, to be able to feel comfortable enough to leave Taylor with Jason. He is healing good and fast and we have an appointment on the 1st of September. I have learned alot through this whole ordeal and one of the most important lessons I have learned is to LET GO and LET GOD. I try not to think to much about that day getting a call from the ER telling me my husband had been burned at work and I needed to get there. I was so scared and confused. I don't know how I held myself together having no one in that ER unit to feel what I was going through. I managed though, and I managed to keep my family in order. It's exhausting and I am not in any way used to taking care of the kids by myself, but it's a lesson for me. I appreciate so much more the teamwork Jason and I have together. My precious husband never makes me care for our kids by myself, he is always there helping me with bathing them, feeding them, putting them to sleep...everything is basically 50-50 between us as parents. So to not have that extra set of hands, and to have to tell our kids not to hug their daddy was so hard for me! I cried many nights in sadness praying to praise God for all the things that he DID protect Jason from. I'm now at a point of moving forward, I'm no longer blaming people for what happened to him and I know that this was our Heavenly Father's plan and he was so faithful to us and continues to be. I still have my days of selfishness when I feel mad about what has happened to Jason, but then guilt falls on me for having such a nasty attitude about something I KNOW he didn't want for himself either. The other day I was so mad because it was 5'o clock in the afternoon and everyone had showered but me. I don't know why this bothered me so bad, probably because I was so tired, and all I wanted to do was just go to sleep..but I knew I had to put the last bit of energy in me to shower. It's selfish, but I pulled through just fine. These are just the little things in a day that I have struggled to manage since Jason being burned. This experience will always remain a life-long lesson in many different directions in our lives. I love my husband, I love everything about him and everything that comes with him. Through this he has remained so strong for us, shielding not only his pain for our kids, but for me also. He is a gift!!!!

2nd Grade!!! Brooke's First Week

 So my little lady is a 2nd grader!! I wish I knew where time went, it seems like yesterday that we were taking her to her kindergarten class to meet her teacher in her little bitty turquoise, white polka dotted sundress, but now we are watching her grow into a little-grown up girl. Her teacher is Mrs.Marks and she seems pretty hip and fun teacher. Patty, Michael and myself went to have lunch with her today and we got to sit in her class and just watch her with her girlfriends. These girls are definitely HYPER, little, chatty chicks! I loved being there (although I'm not much of a "people" person, and being in crowds sometimes overwhelms me BUT I am working on this part of my personality) for her. I do want to try harder to be involved, it's what I want and it's what I've been praying for. To be the BEST mom I can do my lovely kids. I can't wait to see what this school year will bring to Brooke and Tyler. They are so precious to me, and I love seeing them love school. Brooke came home though this afternoon with a stomach ache, and poor baby girl is laying right beside me on the couch sleeping it off! It makes me so sad. I hope it's nothing bad. :(

Kindergarten!!! Tyler's 1st week

I'm going to go ahead and break up Brooke and Tyler's first week school pictures into two posts. Tyler is doing so good this first week, however he did throw a weird fit this morning when I dropped him off at school. Today is "Show and Tell" and their color of this week is red. Apparently Jason had asked Tyler to pick something red from his toys, and something small enough to fit in the plastic bag his teacher sent home. Well I guess at the last minute Tyler decided he didn't like what he had chosen to take because before he got out of the explorer he opened his back pack and took out his little car and threw it in the back!! I have NO clue why he did this, and he didn't give me time to ask. I plan on going to talk to his teacher after school to explain to her why he didn't have anything for "show and tell." Jason did say he that Tyler picked what HE wanted, so he didn't understand why Tyler did that either. Oh these kids of mine. Here are Tyler's 1st Week pictures starting Monday through Friday.

Thoughts about looking into "why?" and "how can/could I make this better?"

So we're home now and I did try to blog earlier about my thoughts, but I guess those thoughts weren't meant to be blogged about because I forgot to finish, and Jason exited out of that window. :) Jason is doing a whole lot better right now than he was earlier this afternoon. About 2'oclock he was running a fever of 101.8 and it made me very nervous. He went ahead and took his pain medication and I re-checked his temp. at 5'oclock and it was 99.3, so I guess I'm just going to have to continue monitoring it. I never realized how much of a nurse-like person I have been here lately, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I would much rather be taking care of my husband during this time than anyone else. I just worry alot about how his burns are healing. I on the other hand have been so tired (I'm not getting much sleep at night, probably around 4-5 hrs) and my lips have been acting like they want to break out in cold sores!!! I haven't had a breakout in about 9months to a year...so I'm praying hard that it doesn't happen, at least not right now. I'm taking the medicine the doctor gave me to take once I start feeling a "tingle" in my lips, but for one I have to take it 5 times daily and secondly the side effects are very annoying. I guess we definitely cannot have everything our way. It'll just have to be another trial that I make it through. (optimism is the only option I have here, there is no time for self-pity) My mom has been such a BIG help with the kids since Jason's accident. She takes turns taking one of them, which I love because I at least get to spend some time with each one when they are here. I feel so guilty that I cannot give the kids my undivided attention, but there is so much to do and Jason relies on me for everything. :/ I really miss our "old" lives. It's so selfish I know, but everything is slowly starting to hit me. From the problems with Jason's cousin and granny (which is a completely other story) to my responsibilities here at home. I'm praying for Heavenly Father to direct me in what I really need to do, and what can wait. I'm praying for patience all around, and strength in my body to continue doing what I'm doing. I hope it's not much, but I cannot do this alone. I pray for Cody's family to remain strong through this also. We have two families enduring this pain of seeing our loved ones in pain and hurt. :( I do believe God heals though, and I know these men are in his care. <3 I love Jason so much, and I'm not saying this accident has made me realize how much I do love him or need him, but it has definitely strengthened my love for him. I missed him so bad the first night he was in the ICU, I guess because I knew where he was and there was nothing I could do to see him. This has been an eye opener to enjoy and relish in the moments we have together as not only a husband and wife but as a family as a whole. I hope to never take anyone I love dearly for granted. I really hope everyone that has called to ask how we're doing, or to ask if we need help, and to reassure us they're praying for us knows how grateful I am for them and their concerns! I love them deeply, and I'm thankful for them in our lives. I believe the Lord prepared me for this because I was so ahead in school shopping for the kids and having them ready to start this coming Monday. For anyone who knows me, they should know I'm NEVER ahead of the game! I just felt like this year I wanted to be, and this could definitely be why. It's just a positive way for me to think that God is providing for us and he does love his children. Through this whole ordeal I have done alot of praising God through this storm! He is so comforting in my loneliest moments and the moments that I feel like I cannot do things. He is amazing. Well I better finish up some things around the house, this is just where my mind is right now.

Jason is healing!

Well, I just got some news from the nurse here at UMC who was helping him shower, his burns are very superficial which means that he most likely won't have to be scrubbed down in the tank anymore. I pray that these ointments and wraps heal his burns and allow comfort to him. I can't express how grateful I am that this is the news that has been given to us, that he is healing and his burns are looking good. Now I just have to get him moving to allow even blood flow through his arms so blood clots are prevented. I really need to set aside a time that I just pray for a period of time, but I know Heavenly father is hearing me and he is directing me where to go. I have faith, and I'm facing the future with faith.

The Unimagineable

Today was a day that seemed "normal" to me, but little did I know what I was going to have to prepare myself with. But to begin with, I want to praise my husband Jason. He is so amazing, he helps me so much with our kids, he helps me with things around the house, and most importantly he helps me when I'm down. Jason's humor is so out of this world!, and I LOVE it. Now to go on to the events of this dreadful day. This afternoon (8-16-11, it's already past "today") Jason had called me to tell me was going to be staying late at work. Our conversation kind of went like this

Me: I don't want you to stay late, I love you more than money
Jason: I know poops, but this will be good for us next week. Now be sure to have some chili dogs ready when I get home
Me: We're not having chili dogs, we're having beans, spam and bread
Jason: mmmm sounds good! I got to go, love you see you when I get home

The conversation went alot like that, this is who we are. I'm so grateful that we hung up that way. Thirty minutes after getting that call, Jason and a coworker were badly burned from a high pressure water pipe that busted on them causing them both to have second-degree burns on the upper parts of their bodies. They were airlifted to the UMC burn unit in Lubbock because 1.Plainview hospital will never care for my family, and 2. Plainview hopsital doesn't have a burn unit. The shock in seeing my husband hurt was more than I imagined, I didn't know what to think. It's as if my brain shut down, I was clueless! I quickly realized I needed to get myself together and figure out what I needed to do next regarding the kids. As I was driving home (Jason's safety manager drove me home, I was badly in shock to of driven myself) I was thanking our loving Father for taking care of my husband, I prayed for him to comfort him during this and to strengthen the both of us for our families. What a faithful Heavenly Father we have. He has comforted me during this, I know he is comforting my Jason and all of our friends and family. I prayed for peace and strength while driving to Lubbock and I left the hospital with just that. I know my Jason is in pain, and I know this recovery won't begin easily, but I DO KNOW EVEN MORE that through Jesus Christ we will be taken care of. I have to remain strong in my faith for myself and for Jason. I cannot do this by myself, it's selfish and impossible. I remind myself constantly that this is God's plan, and he will provide for us as we go through this. The doctors and nurses are very optimistic about his burns, his right arm may need skin graphing, but nothing has been confirmed. So I will remain praying for the doctors treating Jason and Cody, and for the guys as well. I am so thankful that I still have my husband and that he will recover. I will continuing leaning on our Savior and his strength..

is it really possible to do everything?

I am carrying the heavy burden as a  mom of not being able to get everything done. I give myself so many things to do, and then end up not get any of them accomplished. I have six library books that were due back on July 13th. I have known about these books since before then. So why can't I just get in my car and take them back? It's really making me upset that I'm not doing this, and I'm dreading the late fees too. I am supposed to take Brooke back to her allergy specialist to begin her allergy shots, and I have not done this either. Laundry and household cleaning has been neglected also. I guess tonight just isn't going to well with me. There are so many things that I wish I could change but can't. Tomorrow all I can do is try harder to be the mom I want to be for my kids. I need to get up, get ready before all of them and take these library books back! It's just really bothering me. I have also been having a little bit of a challenge getting Brooke to understand that we as parents are to teach them, that we are responsible for her behavior and correcting it when it is wrong. I think she is using reverse psychology on me by telling me things like "your making me think that you think I don't love you" and "you always spank me harder than Tyler", both of these statements are not only untrue but hurtful to me. For one the kids rarely get spanked (which could be the problem, to many threats and not enough enforcing) secondly, I do not spank Brooke and harder than Tyler. Brooke, Tyler and Taylor are all different kids that require different punishment. Tyler doesn't talk back (yet, but I'm hoping he doesn't ever) so he is easier to send to his room. Brooke is the total opposite, she will argue and argue with me. It's just real tough right now for me, because I don't ever want her to think that I don't love her. Unfortunately there has to be boundaries also, and those boundaries are hurting me. I wish our relationship could be better, but I have to stand firm in not allowing her to be the authoritative which she tries so hard to be. My baby girl is a strong-willed person, and this is good for her. I know Heavenly Father has made her this way, and maybe I'm just not praying hard enough asking him to help lead me in the way he wants me to mother Brooke, to help me be more in tune with the spirit. I definitely need to pray more for my mothering and blessings for my children. I know this life is a trial, I know that we are being tested. Truth is, we are to lean on Heavenly Father, to be obedient to him to enable ourselves to gain the blessings that follow with obedience. I gave a talk Sunday about "Facing the future with Faith" oh how this is coming into use right now. Families are being trialed in this world, and one of the things that have stuck with me from my speech and Sister Rogers speech is we are to live IN this world, not OF the world. Oh I can just imagine the peace we will be in, in the arms of our loving Father. Another saying I have thought of alot here lately is "we should forgive more and repent less", this is true and I know I can forgive more. It's challenging, but how can we expect to be forgiven if we do not forgive? I really feel like my heart has been humbled to alot of people who have hurt me badly by saying hurtful things. I love them, and I hope they come around sooner than later. It only comes to show the truth in families being trialed. Not having the best relationship with Jason's mom and Jamie's wife isn't easy, and I forgive these woman for any wrong doing. I am not perfect and have made mistakes in gossip, but I've prayed for forgiveness and I have gone the right way about making it right. It's a hard balance to juggle, but I will definitely embrace them with loving arms the next time I see them. My kids are missing out and my parents don't deserve this burden from me. So I have slowly changed myself, and I pray for change in them also to allow us to have a united family. This goes for Jason's family also, I do not wish any bad on anyone and I hope they see this truth by example. It will happen in God's time, I have strong faith in him. Well I better try and get some sleep so I can aim for having a better day tomorrow. - Kayla. <3

Strong Enough

You must...

You must think I'm strong...

To give me what I'm going through

forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong

this looks like more than I can do

On my own..

I know I'm not strong enough

to be everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up, I'm not strong enough

hands of mercy won't you comfort me,

Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough...

Strong enough

for the both of us...yeah

well maybe, maybe that's the point

to reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

finally at rock bottom..

that's when I start looking up

and reaching out...

I know I'm not strong enough to be

everything that I'm supposed to be..

I give up..

I'm not strong enough..

Hands of mercy, wont you comfort me

Lord right now, I'm asking you to be strong enough

Strong enough

Cause I'm broken

down to nothing

and I still want to hold on to the one thing

You are God and you are strong when I am weak....

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

I won't have to be, I won't have to be strong enough

Strong enough

I can do all thing through Christ who gives me strength 

and I don't have to be, strong enough..

strong enough...

oooohhhhhh....yeah.....

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up, I'm not strong enough

hands of mercy won't your comfort me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough

Strong, enough

Strong enough.........

This song has been on my mind since I heard it the other day on Air1. Matthew West is the artist, and this song I take personal. I know I'm not strong enough and I know I can do all things through Christ. I'm really enjoying this song so much!! I'm also having mixed feelings about this being the last week of summer break for the kids, but time is always moving on. So we're just going to have to tag right along. -Kayla

swollen lymph nodes

I ended up taking Brooke to Dr.Turner after debating if I should take her in or not. I had given her some Motrin as soon as she started complaining her "neck/ear" was hurting, so I think that eased the pain a whole lot because she was running around with Tyler, Kyra and Taylor most of the morning. Well about 3'o clock she comes back to me and tells me her neck is hurting again and that she had noticed a "lump". I then take a look at this "lump" and sure enough underneath her right ear it's completely swollen!! It freaked me out quick. Luckily I was able to take her in as a walk-in at 3:45. As soon as Doc came in and began taking a look at her ear, he told me to come and take a look myself and her eardrum looked like a baby red tomato! :( My poor baby girl has a BAD ear infection which caused her lymph nodes to swell. GOOD NEWS: It's an ear infection and and antibiotic will help this heal..BAD NEWS: She is in pain and discomfort. Doc also gave her some prescribed ear drops for pain, so I know she will be ok and this will pass. I'm so glad it wasn't anything serious (even though I know an ear infection is no joke) and my baby girls is going to be ok. She cried while we waited in Doc's waiting room for a good while, I was hoping it would tire her out so she could rest...but it didn't. haha. We got her prescriptions at wal-mart so we're good to go. I also accomplished registering her for 2nd grade, so I officially have a Kindergartner and 2nd grader!! Time is going back so quick, I wish it would just SLOW down for a while..but I know it won't. Also, Jennifer came by tonight to pick up Brooke so she could sleep over at her apartment, at Brooke's request, and Taylor kept saying "Go, Go" so Jennifer attempted taking him back with her, but of course it didn't even last 10 minutes until I was on my way to go and pick him up. At least we know he isn't ready to be staying away from home. We had a tiny bit of rain that I am so thankful for, the grey clouds and nice breeze were such a blessing to enjoy. Overall I had a blessed day, very chaotic at the end but totally enough for me to handle. We're headed to Lubbock in the morning to hopefully get Brooke's allergy shots going with Dr.Mamlock and to also do some more shopping for Tyler. Jenn is taking Brooke Saturday to finish up her school shopping and I have a baby shower to help with..so this is what my weekend is looking like. I'll follow up soon.

Why NOT me?.?.?.?

This morning Brooke came to and told me her neck was hurting her. Well last night Brooke and I went walking with my mom and Jennifer, so I figured she may have pulled a muscle in her neck, especially because Brooke did quite a bit of running. So I kind of just felt around her neck where she said it was hurting, well I felt little pea sized lymph nodes ( she has always had these, and Doc has already looked at them) and her neck felt a little swollen. The pain is right underneath her ear. Well as the type of mom I am, I always prepare myself for the worst! Why I do this, I don't know. It's just my personality I guess. I just always prepare myself for the worst outcomes, not just with my kids, but my whole family. So many thoughts came to my mind, like what if it's something bad? What if it's cancer!! I have NO idea why I torture myself this way, in the end I just pray that Heavenly Father take Brooke, because she is his child and not so much mine, and heal her little body. To give me the strength to love my child and to be patient with her, and most importantly to help me be thankful for him and my children. I was thinking to myself "instead of me sitting here giving myself anxiety asking 'why me?', I should be praising God and saying 'why NOT me?" I heard on Air1 a few days ago of a woman who's daughter was going through some hard trials and she said she had told her daughter that God never gives us more than we can handle, her daughter replied "well he must really think I'm strong." The more I think about it, I think this woman's daughter was sick. I can't remember. But in times like this I'm trying to focus on praying in thanks, sometimes I beat myself up thinking I pray selfishly. Well to end this, Brooke has an appointment at 2:30 w/ Dr.Turner. I'm going to register her for 2nd grade!! before then...so we have quite a bit to do. I'm so ready for fall!!

Sigh...,Taylor is growing out of his baby image

So I get that our babies grow and get bigger, but why does it have to happen so quick? Taylor is fixing to be 2 years old on September 16th and I just can't believe how much my little guy is shaping his own personality. He is so much like Jason it's ridiculous, my boys sure are their father's sons without a doubt! Precious Taylor is developing so good, he's pronouncing words I ask him to, we sing songs together also and I know he is catching on. He is so funny and silly too, he always makes me smile and he is a snuggle buddy. He likes to get right in my face and just press his face against mine squeezing me all at the same time. I love this so much because it totally shifts my moods. <3 I love my kids alot, but there is just something about the "baby" of the family. haha I'm sure (hopefully) he will outgrow this cuteness...but I'm enjoying it right now. I've been talking to Jason about considering another baby in the future and I hope and pray he agrees, I'm just not ready to stop having babies. At the same time I know that God has a plan for us and he will lead us there. I'm so thankful that I have been blessed with 3 healthy pregnancies and babies, so I wouldn't dare be selfish in my requests. Sometimes I think I don't have the energy to even handle the kids I have now, but I know I genuinely love each of them and wouldn't change anything in our lives. I'm always up for self-improvement. :) Night,

while struggling to sleep with a busy mind....

 My body feels tired but it won't let me sleep. So I decided I would just blog about some of the things going on in my "busy mind." I have been thinking alot about how we all go through trials and tribulations throughout our lives, probably because I'm going through my own trials and tribulations. I wonder alot about if I am ministering to others the right way,and if I am listening to them with an open heart and mind. For all those who know me, I am a hypochondriac. I think deep into things, and sometimes deep enough to drown my mind with hopelessness and worry. I guess right now my main concern is why do I feel so tired everyday? I struggle so hard to have energy to do anything. I have been feeling dizzy here lately and my appetite has been random here lately, like for instance I will be so hungry and then when I get something to eat I feel full real quick (which just isn't normal for me). I feel spasms throughout my stomach sometimes, especially when I am laughing hard. :/ Which is a bummer because then I have to control my laughter, which I just don't like doing sometimes. I worry about my previous health problems with constipation and I just hope it's all under control, which I really think it's way better than what it was. My dad had brought to my attention a new episode that had aired about teenage girl going to the doctor for constipation and it turned out she had ovarian cancer! Like for reals dad, your going to tell me this when everyone knows I freak out about everything!?!? Well first thing I did the next day was call my doctor and ask him how my ultrasound looked a few months ago (which I am so grateful that I had this done now especially after this episode on the news) and he assured me my ovaries looked fine. So hopefully this has no connection to my fatigue. I don't know if I am just thinking to deep into feeling tired. I wish so badly I had the answers to all my concerns and fears, but we're human and I don't. I've been praying quite frequently throughout the day and night, just asking Heavenly Father to just give me the strength and comfort to at least be patient with the kids and family, and I do believe he has answered those prayers. I may just make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to just follow-up on these concerns. Pray for that it's nothing serious and I'll be fine. I'm trying very hard to not be selfish in prayer. This is just something that I needed to blog about to make me feel better. So on a lighter note, Saturday evening me and the kids went to grandma Josie's apartment to make a second attempt at some miniature brownies with hershey kisses in the middle..they came out a success and were so very yummy too! :) Brooke helped some with putting the hershey kisses in the middle of the brownies with the second batch. I'm trying to work on myself on letting her be a bigger helper for me with things like this. I'm also trying to lighten up on messes, which will always be a work in progress. I'm trying so hard to just now focusing on giving myself to my kids, husband and family. Well the pictures of Taylor sleeping on the recliner and on the couch is a semi serious/funny story. Grandma Josie does not put up with whiny babies in any way. This is good for me because when I visit her I don't have kids jumping all over me. I know my kids should behave this way all of the time, but I honestly don't mind it so much. I enjoy and relish in their small baby ways, I'm sad that MY baby is already fixing to turn 2! But to the point, my mom always ends up having to put Taylor in time-out (making him sit down and not getting up) for jumping or whining over me. So each time she has done this he has fallen asleep. Hopefully he will catch on to not act that way with me, especially around grandma Josie. He's a doll and I love my baby Taylor so much. I love Brooke, Tyler and Taylor with all my heart and soul. My kids are my world, and I ponder all of the time if I am being the best mommy to them, I know I am not perfect and I know I fail at times...but I just hope they will always know how much I try. I try so hard for them, and I want them to have such happy fulfilled lives. They're beautiful kids and they're all so smart. Tyler and Taylor are just bear cubs!, always wrestling. I love it though (at times when no one is hurt). Brooke loves to write, she made applications for maid services today, I hired her for a dollar a day and she will get paid on Thursdays according to her work. :D So far her duties are putting away laundry and washing dishes. Hopefully it goes well, because I could sure use the help. I'm thankful for all that's going on in my life. I pray for continued well being and protection from our loving God. I am his child and my family is his, I have faith in him that he will take care of us all. We are his creation and through his atonement we have been given this life, this opportunity to be Christ-like! I pray to never take advantage of this plan. Nite everyone. <3-xoxo 

Why does it have to be so hard?

Here lately Brooke has been very challenging for me, when I ask her to close a door that is open she says "but mom I didn't open it" or "it's already closed" when it in fact it isn't closed. The thing is, is that when we ask her to do something she is supposed to just do it, that is how I was raised. Yesterday for example Brooke, Kyra, Tyler and Taylor were rowdy ALL day. Kyra was coming to me and telling me Brooke hit or scratched her and Brooke vice versa. I went to talk to the girl and Brooke kept talking back to me, so as punishment I told Brooke she was to lay on the recliner in the living room with no TV, this she did not like. She kept getting up and saying she was thirsty or she had to pee (when I knew for a fact she didn't have to do either) and she wasn't minding me. So I spanked her, I explained to her that she was in trouble and she was not get up from the recliner until I told her she could. I explained to her that using the restroom or thirstiness as an excuse to get up was no longer tolerant for me and I would spank her again if she got up. Well apparently I didn't spank her hard enough the first time because she got up AGAIN!! :( Oh how be the authoritative parent is so so challenging with her. So I spanked her once more, well then I needed to shower and Taylor was napping so I "threatened" her not to get up while I was showering or she would just have to get another spanking, which I'm trying to so hard to consider another method of discipline, well by then Jason was done washing his truck so he was inside handling all the kids while I showered. What is bugging me most is I don't want my precious Brooke to think I don't love her, or to think that I favor her brothers over her. All this is, is just a milestone in our lives we are going through. Children aren't perfect, that's why they have parents to teach them right and wrong and respecting others. This is a battle I am having with her and I just pray that I am dealing with it the right way. Jason and I have to establish ourselves are the authority with our kids and unfortunately Brooke is the first born so she will experience it first. I just love her so much and I feel like I'm being so hard on her, but I can't lose this battle with her. :( It's a hard spot to be in as a mother and I just hope I'm handling this with love and patience. I keep reminding myself of that fact before I intervene whatever situation is happening at the moment. I have so many expectations of myself and through other blogs from mother's that have been or are going through this same situation I know that this is just what we have to do. I hope today ends better.

Grandma Josie

So this is something that has been weighing heavy on my heart. I sometimes do the very wrong thing of judging other people's intentions and feelings, I know this is wrong because I know as followers of Christ we are to live by his example and of course he loved all his people. I feel so awful because I know I don't thank God enough for the blessing of having such a strong-willed, loving mom. My mom has done so much for me that I hope my gratitude towards her doesn't go un-noticed. She has provided for me and my family and sacrificed for herself to make things easier for us. She isn't working right now, and I hope she is enjoying her time off.  Yesterday being Tyler's birthday I knew in my mind that my mom wanted to get him everything he wanted (which was solely a batman house that Brooke had showed him online) but couldn't at that time due to funds, which I totally don't mind because I don't believe that my kids deserve and need everything. Well she called me earlier this evening and asked me if she could pick up Tyler because she wanted to take him to wal-mart for his birthday, she came by and picked up both of the boys as a matter at fact, which I am so thankful for because Taylor was being a real big stinker. Well about an hour later Tyler comes rushing home with his batman house in tow!! My mom made his birthday dream come true! He got his batman house! Is she not the best mom in the world? That is one of the MANY examples of how she has brightened our days! I love my mom so much and pray for her findings in life because she is an amazing woman who deserves an amazing life and relationship with God. Words cannot express how much I love my mom, as I have become a mom myself I have found that my mom and I don't spend as much time on the phone with each other or we don't go out to lunch or dinner like we may should...but life is about setting goals and striving for them. I know she loves me deeply and she knows I love her just as much. She is the sun in my world, she brings peace to me every time she is around me, when life is crashing down on me a phone call to her always lifts me up. She is patient with me and was as I was a young child. I hope I can beat those qualities about her with my own children. I just needed to get this down while it's still new in my mind. I love you mom!!!

Follow-up on Tyler's birthday

 Well for his birthday I kind of thought we would start the day off by  giving him his "big" birthday present from mommy and daddy which was his batman costume! He loved it, but still doesn't wear it much because he just doesn't like the attention that comes with wearing it. After the big birthday present we went to buy Tyler and the rest of the kids breakfast burritos from Nena's (which from now will be a special treat for our kids because they're expensive for a big eating family), after eating breakfast we came home and just messed around pretty much all afternoon. Kyra is here every day throughout the week while Kendra is working, and I really think that Brooke and Tyler feed off of the fact that Kyra is here so all 4 of the kids are WILD. There are tons of breaking-up and getting onto here at the house,so we did tons of that yesterday! We got ready and went to eat dinner at Chili's with grandma Josie and Tia Jennifer as our guests (Brittani, Lupe and Zoe weren't able to make it) following dinner we went to Jennifer's apartment where Brittani met up with us and sang Happy Birthday and opened his gifts.Tyler had a really fun and humbling birthday. I'm not working (which I am so blessed to be at home with the kids) so I sometimes make myself feel guilty for not being able to have all the money to buy him all that he would like. But this is when I remind myself that by thinking this way I am not teaching myself or Tyler at that about what really matters in life, which is FAMILY! We celebrated his 5th birthday as a family, with everyone who has been there for him and our family as a whole since his birthday. That you cannot put a dollar sign on. :) It made me so happy to see his face while we sang Happy Birthday to him! He loved it, so I know he loved his birthday! I'm so glad I have decided to blog, it helps me document these memories and that is such a good thing because I forget thing so easily..my memory is not always good. To sum things up, yesterday was good. I still can't believe how fast time is going! I really need to start making the best out of it with my family. I'm going to take my grandma some birthday cake this afternoon when I'm done getting ready. Enjoy the pictures of our Hero Batman a.k.a TYLER. Mommy loves you baby!

Tyler is 5 years old today!!

My Sweet Son

Oh how you have grown so much in just 5 years! I was asking daddy today while getting breakfast burritos, "where did 5 years go? I feel like it was just yesterday that we were bringing him home trying to adjust to a new baby and a very active big sister (Brooke)." Truth is time is always going by quicker than we realize, but I like to think it's because we're having FUN! You are now going to be a kindergartner, I am so excited to see who will be your teacher (even though I really hope/want your teacher to be Mrs.Malone), I'm excited to see how you will adjust to being at school all day, even though I have no worries of you not coping well. I just really am excited about being your mommy. Your personality reminds me alot of your daddy, which is completely normal because I really think that you think he hung the moon.I want to just document the things you really enjoy, your interests and goals I have for you.

1. Your very into playing the playstation at tia's house (Mortal Kombat-the superhero edition)
2. You LOVE laying in mine and daddys bed watching The Little Rascals (and I even caught you singing like Alfalfa this morning while I was bathing Brooke and Kyra) 
3. You love eating McDonalds, sometimes I think even to much!
4. You don't like being the center of attention
5. You get very mad when Brooke or Kyra teases you about having "girlfriends
6. You love play fighting with Taylor and the cute thing is, is that Taylor now plays with you. I am so proud of you for teaching your brother how to use his imagination.
7. One thing I've noticed about you is that you are always thirsty! Sometimes it can get on my nerves, but I'm just realizing that this is who you are and you never wet your pants so I'll just work on not being bothered when you ask me to get you something to drink while I'm doing something. 
8. You like run up and down the hallway all of the time!
9. When you ask a question it really bothers you when you don't get an answer.
10. Lastly (which there are a hundred more things I would like to post) your beginning to enjoy being a Sunday primary! We battled in the beginning, but since getting your new suit I have seen such a change in you. You really are beginning to grow more confident and aware who Jesus is and why being at Church is important! I am so proud!

 Here are my goals for you- I won't make unrealistic ones and I pray that you love me for it. :)

1. For you and I to make more time to practice your speech.
2. Helping you be better at playing with new kids (you seem to always shy away from kids when we're at the park or at McDonalds)
3. Patience.

So I don't have a million goals for you because your already so amazing! Happy Birthday Son! I love you more than words can describe and I'm so  blessed to have 5 years with you!! GO BATMAN. Love Mommy!

My Brooke

Oh Miss.Brooke- She was my first baby and through her I have learned most of the do's and don'ts of being a mommy. We're having some challenges as she gets bigger and smarter (in more good ways than bad) and tries to be a little more nosy (eavesdropping) and chatty (talking back). It isn't always easy for us to find productive ways in disciplining her so I'm praying for patience in myself. Brooke did all the baby milestones so early in her life, she started walking when she was 9 months!! 9 months!! She was talking so good when she was just a year old to now being a straight A student through her whole first grade year. We are SO proud of her and her accomplishments and I can't wait to see what she will bring to the table as a 2nd grader. I don't always know if how I'm raising her the right way, or if I'm setting the right example for her, but I do know that if I can just remain faithful to God and enduring the things he gives me, she will be ok and I will be the mom I'm supposed to be to her. In times that I feel  discouraged or overwhelmed with not just Brooke but the boys as well, I remind myself that I am a stay-at-home mom and this is what I do, I counsel, feed and nurture these kids. It's such a blessing that I try to remind myself not to take advantage of it. I love my kids so much and I hope I can make them proud and raise good people!!!

the smallest things can mean the biggest things

Tonight while I was changing into my pajamas, Tyler was laying in my bed and had told me something. Well because the fans were going I couldn't really hear him, so I was like "what Tyler?" and he loudly said in such a sweet, innocent voice "mommy, I love you." This just melted my heart because I sometimes think Tyler is closer to his daddy (which I totally don't mind) than he is to me. He can be challenging sometime, like all regular kids can be, but he is easier to "instruct" and he doesn't talk back..which his big sister does quite often and I hope he doesn't follow that example. So when he tells me things like this it helps me know that I love him too! It's just hard to do everything I want to do in one day. I pray tonight that Heavenly Father give me the strength and energy to love my kids, to talk with them more and pay less attention to facebook, YES I said it. I do admit I spend too much time on it and it's another goal I'm going to make for myself. I also pray for him to bless me with peace and good health, to show love and patience with my husband, to stay focused on Gods plan and not mine. To be the saint I am supposed to be. I don't ask for a perfect life because I know only God and Jesus are perfect and we're to live by their example. You know as I pray at night or during the day I always feel the spirit, whether it's a song on the radio or one of the kids telling me they love me, or just a random phone call from someone I least expect it from, I know God hears me and he hears my heart. I just hope I continue doing and listening as the spirit guides me. Well I'm getting sleepy now so I better rest my eyes and stay OFF facebook!! :) :/

Golden Days of fall..I am waiting for you

Well it's the first day of August and I have decided to make this month a productive month. As summer is quickly coming to an end I've been thinking more about how we are supposed to live like Christ. I guess this thought is normal because of all of the drifting that has been going on between my brother and his family, cousins, uncles and aunts with our family. I went to the stake Relief Society meeting in Lubbock on Saturday. The speaker was a woman named Nicole Mortensen, she was a newly divorced woman moving her and her 5 children from Florida to Nevada (I might be wrong on Nevada, I'm not sure) when they were driving outside of Amarillo and were in a car accident killing her 14 year old daughter Jada. This happened a month ago, and she was so strong enough to give the RS talk. Wow! You know the thing that I have learned from the LDS church is there is life after death, death is all apart of the plan of Salvation. All families are promised eternal life being being sealed in the temple. But for Nicole Mortensen to praise her daughter and share the experiences they just had shared helped me realize that I as a mom need to just surrender myself and children to God. We are his children, and with him he will lead us. I take so much upon myself that when I set goals, unrealistic goals especially, I fail. I lay in bed at night just beating myself up about not loving on Brooke enough, not reading to Tyler and Taylor enough, not making it a priority to talk about Jesus and read scriptures with the kids enough..but in reality this is just one of the many trials and burdens I will carry. We're being trialed, this is crucial part of our guide to be back with Christ, to be tested. So since the year isn't nearly over, I'll start over with seasons..fall is coming quick! And I just want to be a better mom. So here are some of my goals:
1.) Always be ahead, whether it's homework assignments are remembering school assigned works.
2.) Be more involved with Brooke and Tyler and their teachers/classrooms.
3.) Pray at night together
4.) Take the kids to the bulldog home games
5.) Eat lunch with them at least once a week...

I'm sure I'll of more as I plan for this month!